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Seeing as we’re about three weeks into the new year, here are a few resolutions for to make these next 12 months even better than the previous.
* Oaks: Get the fuck over them. Everybody loves trees, but some must die in the name of much-needed renovation of Memorial Stadium. These activists should consider getting jobs or perhaps chaining themselves to butcher shops.
* Football team: Tedford should lead the Bears to another glorious season, but please let us not take the national championship. Does Berkeley really need to be the home of the best college football team in the country?
* City Council: It owes itself a sex scandal.
* Politics: Now that the country has finally realized that Republican hegemony is a bad thing, it’s time for Berkeley to become a bastion of conservatism.
* Protests: When was the last time Berkeley had a truly zesty protest? Helicopter-dropped tear gas anyone?
* Cyclists: Cease running god-dammed stop signs.
* Students: Please stop, you’re an embarrassment.
* Residents: Please stop, you’re an embarrassment.
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