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Over the course of your Cal career, you’ve probably heard this excuse a few times: Dude, anything goes in Finals Week. It’s sort of our lame Berkeley analog to those “Whatever happens in Vegas…” commercials. The range of questionable finals-related behavior is broad, but we tried our best to rank the good stuff. Feel free to give the Clog any other bright suggestions.
- Cigs/Coffee/AdderallThis one’s obvious. Around Finals Week, you’re bound to see masses of depressed-looking students huddled in front of FSM. Many are hunched over, with their pencil-calloused hands shaking violently as they chain smoke. If you use your imagination (and the Clog often does), they look like nerdy WWI trench fighters. It’s a sight we’re sure Birgeneau wants no prospective Berkeley student to ever see.
- Not Showering/ShavingThis is another obvious one. Finals Week is the most likely time for Stoney Burke to point at you and yell, “Hey, it looks like Ted Kaczynski’s come back to campus!”
- Stress-Induced Food ThieveryIt’s the end of the year. You hate your roommates by now anyway. God won’t judge too harshly if you take their fucking yogurt.
- Cigs IndoorsCome on, you hate your landlord by now too.
- Lame One UpmanshipLamefuck No. 1: “Dude, I am so fucked for finals. I have a Bio test and an OChem final in the next three days.”
Lamefuck No. 2: “Dude, no way. I’m the one who’s fucked for finals. I have six fifteen-page papers, and three finals on the same fucking day.”
Humanities Student: “Guys, I’m really stoned. Wait, so are you telling me I don’t have class tomorrow?”
- Not Returning Phone Calls of RelativesYes, your Mom may have brought you into the world and raised you. But she’s not going to know anything about Weber or Hegel. So fuck her.
- Pretending to Like People in Order to Use ThemAh, the good old study “group.” Laugh at their jokes, and smile a lot. Maybe, just maybe, they won’t notice that your affable demeanor is merely a facade—a facade designed to trick them into teaching what you could have easily learned on your own. Even though they’re saving your academic life, you secretly hate the know-it-alls for doing their due diligence. And the feeling’s probably mutual. Happy studying!
Comments:
JE said:
May 9, 2007 at 9:27 pm
May 9, 2007 at 9:27 pm
dude, wat ru smoking finals RULE!
May 9, 2007 at 9:28 am
man i miss school