Loading ...
When the Clog heard about the university’s new “DeSean Jackson for the Heisman” website, we got kind of giddy. We miss football. A lot.
Yes, life without watching large people hurt each other on Saturdays has been that rough for us. We yearn for it so much that we spent our valuable time critiquing this ridiculous PR vehicle. Who cares that the sole purpose of the site is to boost a fellow student’s chances of getting a meaningless award five months from now? Like an impoverished heroin addict reduced to black tar, we needed to pour over this thing.
Fortunately, “The 1 to Watch” is enjoyable on multiple levels. First, there are cool clips of Jackson. Second, there are inane tidbits about him that we’ll never, ever need to know (unless we’re of the De Niro from “The Fan” mindset). And third, well, we don’t know what the third is. But surely there’s a good reason the Clog reviewed this.
Here’s the backdrop for the site:
Godzilla Jackson towers over the Bay Bridge. He’s in a cat-like pose. Only he looks slightly confused (like the Clog’s cat, when we cruelly spray it with our squirtgun). About three million lighting bolts rain from an ominous, blackened sky.
The message to Cal football fans is clear: A giant, menacing, bewildered D-Jax will bring the apocalypse to us all. And you will love him for it. Somewhere, Pete Carroll is soiling his designer khakis.
Apparently, the apocalypse will have a soundtrack reminiscent of what you’d hear at the 24-hour Fitness on Planet Suck. It’s as if the website creator said to himself, “You know what tunes just scream Heisman? Minimalist uber-trendy Austrian techno!”
But oh, there is the flash animation intro. Animation so flashy, that calbears.com even bragged about it in their promotional article. Well, let us be the first website critiquers to tell you, this is damn good flash animation. It changed our lives. We now know who the one to watch is.
The interviews with Jackson are nuanced, insightful and profound. Jackson’s speech on Putin’s rekindling of the Cold War paradigm was truly enlightening.
Just kidding, the interviews are just kind of bland and lame. Though we do feel happier knowing DeSean has a pet pit bull named “Blue.” He refers to the dog as “my little Blueskie.” Hmm, would that mean that Michael Vick refers to his pit bulls as “my little, motionless, Redskies”?
Let’s go down the line of DeSean tidbits:
- Favorite foods: “Chinese, spaghetti …”
- Favorite music: “R & B, rap, T.I. …”
- Advice to freshmen: “Go screw yourself.”
Glad that’s finally out in the open for us all to ponder.
Wait, no crap techno?
Unfortunately, we’re kidding about that one. DeSean actually said something about working hard, but we aborted the clip in favor of watching compilations of his awesome highlights. Good decision. We suggest you do the same when fiendin’ for the fooseball.
Image Source: Jayson Dana, Daily Cal
Cal and CSTV Launch DeSean Jackson Heisman Trophy Candidate Website [California Golden Bears]
Comments:
Jul 13, 2007 at 5:18 pm
Don’t you have to win more than one title to be a “dynasty” ?
Jul 23, 2007 at 8:03 am
You mean another cheap shot? The USC safety should have been flagged for his cheap shot on a player who was already down.
Jul 13, 2007 at 11:37 am
Jackson’s Heisman campaign will end the same way it did in 2006…with a crushing hit from the USC secondary to send him back to the sideline to cry for the rest of the game!