This is a huge game. With that in mind, we’re going to have to make a big change to ensure a Cal victory …

Oh man, we don’t know how to do this. Look, we’re going to stop bolding DeSean’s name (There, it’s been said). We thought it’d be proper tribute to a hero—an awesomely nerdy means of showing the Clog’s appreciation. But sadly, the football gods did not concur. Since the bolding, D-Jax has had no punt return TDs, negative thousand yards receiving and 35 billion Nate Long&short overthrows.

To stem the tide, we’ve decided to worship his DeSeanness in other ways. Now the Clog is sacrificing virgins (be warned, Foothill!). Here’s to hoping this causes a replay of the above, er, replay. And with that, here are the amazingly correct, spot-on prognostications of some football prodigies:

  • Cal has trouble in Oregon, Cal has trouble in Oregon, Cal has trouble in Oregon, etc. Look, this can be broken down pretty easily. We just need to remember that our mascot is a bear and their mascot is a duck. Now, who would win in a fight we ask? Cal pulls a huge win today. Screw a kangaroo, if yarrrrrra what we mean.
  • We predict Jon Stewart will have a big game against our newly uncrappy defense. Hmm, it’s just too easy to make a lame “Daily Show” joke in such circumstances (Please, just stop hurting our defense).
  • The highly underrated Dennis Dixon will get 300 yards passing and 50 rushing. Oh crap, we predicted a win? Damnit.
  • Okay, for this big win to happen, we have to get 330 yards from Long&short. Plus 150 yards from JFo. Yea, that’ll do just fine.
  • We won’t get any interceptions in Duckville.
  • A miracle Hawk play will get us the W.
  • He won’t do “the Hawk”.
  • The final score is 33-30. By “huge win,” we meant a three-point nail biter.

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