Ah, the Academy Awards … or as we plebians say, “the Oscars.” The Clog doesn’t get out the fancy gown from Ross and $4 champagne for just any awards show. But the Oscars are not just any awards show. Yes, over the years they’ve doubled the Best Movie nominations, and this year Kung Fu Panda 2 is up for Best Animated Feature – but the Academy Awards are still that one night of the year we choose to care about famous people and can be proud of liking pretentious movies films. When else can we show off our limited knowledge of film score and pretend we recognize the Art Direction nominees? And despite the selling out, people are still making great films. And tonight we celebrate those people. And the special effects guys.
Follow our live blog, detailing the ups and downs, the fashion faux pas, the decisions that seem so life-changing (until the credits roll). Put on your tux, sip on that André, and enjoy the ride:
4:08 p.m.: The Clog arrives to the Red Carpet a little late – walking in heels is difficult. The television is currently preoccupied with the Cal vs. Colorado basketball game. However, apparently you can watch the Red Carpet streamed live online, from various camera angles! Hello, bartender at lobby bar.
4:19: The prince of Monaco! He sounds so … not princely nor Monacan. Not that we know how that would sound. Apparently him and Bob Iger are besties d’awww.
4:21: Emma Stone is sporting a dress with an enormous bow, seriously it’s bigger than her head. But it’s okay, we enjoy any conversation about Ryan Gosling’s chest.
4:23: “All about the contrast!” “Audrey Hepburn gone punk!” Just some comments thrown around about Rooney Mara. And finally, we see Tim Gunn. A commenter we actually care about.
4:24: Jessica Chastain (in the Tree of Life, the Help, among others) got number one best dressed so far, with Miss Piggy at number 3 … that’s not weird at all. Puppet equality!
4: 28: Oh my one of the interviewers is hitting on Viola Davis’s husband. Whenever someone asks, “Who are you wearing?” we always imagine a scenario in which someone is wearing an actual person. “What happens after the Oscars …” (stays after the Oscars) … oh, Viola Davis.
4:33: A montage of testimonials about nominees gives a shout-out to UC Santa Cruz, describing it as “a very expressive place.”
4:35: Melissa McCarthy gets some screen time, we think she’s with her mom, adorable! She looks gorgeous in a flow-y rose dress. We can think of no snarky things to say, we love that girl!
4:39: Oh an now Kristen Wiig! All of our favorite ladies. Go female comedians! Her dress is a little too nude for our tastes, and it’s feathering reminds us
4:40: TINA FEY?! THIS IS TOO MUCH. Our most favorite. Her dress is absolutely gorgeous, we’re glad they didn’t let her wear bike shorts. She demands a musical number from Billy Crystal. You know what? Tina Fey should host the Oscars! Academy, if you read this …
4:42: Colin Firth graces the screen, and after Tina Fey’s appearance we can only think of the 30 Rock quote about him: “That man can wear a sweater.” He can also wear a tux.
4:43: Manny from Modern Family sees all the Oscar nominees in one day with his mom. There has been just too much cuteness happening in the last 15 minutes.
4:46: Ah, Jean Dujardin! C’mon ABC, show us someone we don’t love unconditionally. We miss his mustache.
4:47: That was one of Michelle’s “favorite Tina Fey moments.” Does she not watch 30 Rock? Fey is looking gorgeous tonight, but I wouldn’t say it’s our favorite moment with her.
4:51: Oh, J.Lo! Reminiscing her originally street/hip-hop Bronx fashion sense. Not exactly reppin’ it tonight, but her dress still looks gorgeous.
4:53: Nick Nolte owns a pet crow? What is with actors and pet birds?
4:54: Zach Galifinakis washed his mustache today – nice to know. Kudos to all the comedian screen time! They don’t always get the Oscar respect they deserve (although maybe it’s out of pity?). But we’re wondering, did he purposefully tie his bowtie poorly?
4:57: It was brought to our attention that we’ve seen quite a lot of cruise line commercials … do they think only wealthy people see the Oscars? Or that seeing all this glamour will make us recklessly spend money just to feel classy? Yes we may have champagne and brie tonight, but there was a sale at Safeway!
5:00: Less than 30 minutes until the actual awards show? Wait … we thought this started at 5. Does this mean we have to look at fancy people walk on a rug for 30 more minutes?
5:03: Bradley Cooper attempts to make a Christopher Walken impression. We are not impressed.
5:06: Glenn close’s blazer-suit-gown getup provokes a deep debate. Is she nodding towards her role as a man in Albert Nobbs? Does she just like blazers, or not like super feminine gowns? Or all three? Meanwhile, we break out the brie.
5:13: Brad Pitt needs a haircut … If he and George Clooney are competing for Best Haircut instead of Best Actor, there would be a clear winner. Oh my, have we really devolved into making comments about hair?
5:17: 13 minutes to go, and there have not been enough fashion faux pas. But there is a Muppet montage to the song “Under Pressure.” We’ll just pop open the champagne to pass the time.
5:20: Can Natalie Portman just win an Oscar for being absolutely beautiful?
5:22: Tom Hanks gives Oscar-receiving advice. Apparently after winning an Oscar you black out and don’t remember what you do until you see the video footage later.
5:23: Executive Producer Brian Grazer invites an interviewer over to have some tequila, and apparently he’s had some already. We want to work on the Oscars … Also, there will apparently be a Cirque Du Soleil themed piece during the show!
5:30: IT’S STARTING. MORGAN FREEMAN. Why is he announcing? I mean we love hearing him say things … “All of us are mesmerized by the magic of the movies.” Cue montage!
5:31: George Clooney and Billy Crystal would make a good couple. Is that Justin Bieber? Going to kill Hitler?
5:35: We feel just as overwhelmed as Billy by the whirling film strips around him. Oh the montage is over? Okay we’re done. (Just kidding.)
5: 36: He’s hosted nine times? That’d make him a super senior. “Nothing can take the sting out of economic crisis like millionaires giving each other statues.” Oh of course, the musical number. It wouldn’t be Bill Crystal hosting without it.
5:37: This is overwhelming.
5:41: What is seat filling? Oh wow filling empty celebrity seats … what a sweet job.
5:43: Cinematography and Art Direction awards go to Hugo, Robert Richardson. Duh. That movie really was gorgeous. What’s next? Sound? We will fein great knowledge and interest. Although our knowledge (or lack thereof) is illustrated by this overheard comment at our party:”Why did Lady Gaga get an award?”
5:52: Was that a clip from “Twilight” we just saw? Really? Oh it’s okay there’s so many other great movies in this montage to make up for it. Are the Oscars always this montage heavy? We know they are, but we don’t remember them being so much last year.
5:54: J.Lo and Cameron Diaz would be recurring in our dreams too. They are matching a little too much to be presenting the Costume Design Award. The Oscar goes to … “the Artist!” That’s impressive (but deserved) considering it was in black and white. Probably only one of many awards for the film tonight.
5:57: We’re amazed by the transformations made in some of these movies. Makeup goes to … “the Iron Lady.” Meryl Streep is an Oscar magnet.
6:01: Lots of people talking in front of black backgrounds. This is all moving too fast for our college student brains.
6:02: Apparently no baseball movie has every won best picture. Hm, food for thought.
6:06: Sandra Bullock is so serious but secretly trying to be funny. I guess presenting Foreign Language Film requires that. We haven’t seen these, but perhaps in the future! It goes to “A Separation,” from Iran. This is amazing! Political meaning rings from the acceptance speech.
6:11: Oh hey, it’s Batman. We mean, Christian Bale. His regular Welsh accent is lovely, but we want to hear him speak in his batman voice. Best Supporting Actress … this should be hard to choose. Octavia Spencer, from the Help! As great as Melissa McCarthy was, Octavia was astounding. She looks absolutely terrified, we think it’s because of Christian Bale.
6:20: Mock focus group for “the Wizard of Oz” … this is kind of funny? “I’d flip the whole thing, start the movie in color.”
6:22: Who is that next to George Clooney? Mysterious date …
6:22: More Tina Fey! Film Editing award presentation complete with cheesy talk about cooperation between departments. It goes to … “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo!” The same people also won last year for the Social Network. Same film editors and composer? Hmm … that might be where the similarities end.
6:27: Sound Editing award goes to “Hugo!” Well deserved. As silly as it sounds, that movie sounded great. Hot damn, they also get Sound Mixing!
6:34: Miss Piggy is rather well dressed, we’ll give her that. This must be the Cirque Du Soleil bit. Were just going to sit back and watch because words can’t describe this.
6:42: Robert Downey Jr. makes a grand entrance. “Plural titles are out this year.” what is up with these camera angles? Oh we get it, it’s “live documentary.” and the Best Documentary award goes to “Undefeated.” We need to watch more documentaries, work on our cool.
6:46: We get it Chris Rock, you love animation, but what’s up with your hair? We’re just bitter there’s no Pixar movie up this year. We didn’t see “Cars 2″ but … Regardless we just hope “Kung Fu Panda 2″ doesn’t win. And it goes to … “Rango!” Maybe that means we should see it? Next year, Pixar, next year. Make “Brave” stellar.
6:53: Ben Stiller and … Emma Stone? That seems random. “This is my first time presenting an award!” One of our party members replies “Okay, you probably won’t get to do it again.” Jonah Hill turns down her invitation to dance. Emma Stone shows Ben Stiller by bringing up his previous Avatar makeup … but that whole exchange was still weird. On to the award for Visual Effects.
6:56: It goes to … “Hugo!” We love the theme, but we may get sick of it if “Hugo” wins any more. Nice job, “Hugo!” You beat “Harry Potter.”
6:58: Now for Best Supporting Actor, should be another tough one. Melissa Leo is presenting in a sincere, and appropriate way. The award goes to … Christopher Plumber for “Beginners.” He is the oldest actor to win an Oscar at 82 … that’s impressive, he looks pretty good for 82. He’s going to have a lot of people to thank. “You’re only two years older than me darling, where have you been all my life?” he asks the Oscar. Adorable.
7:11: And now for best score. Billy is unimpressed at the enormous music sheet that erupts from the stage. Owen Wilson and Penelop Cruz are presenting, and it makes sense as they have “Woody Allen in common.” And the Oscar goes to … Ludovic Bource from the Artist! Writing the score to a silent film? That takes skill; this is a well deserved award.
7:17: Best song montage! There’s only two this year, and no full performances? Brett McKenzie from Flight of Conchords for “Man or Muppet” in the Muppets! We are totally going to listen to Flight of the Conchords for the next week.
7:24:Angelina Jolie looks like a stick, oh my. Girl, get some grub in you. We’re a little hungry ourselves. We’re excited about this award though, writers need more credit! Best Adapted Screenplay goes to … Alexander Payne & Co. for “The Descendants!” That is extremely well deserved, what a stellar script/movie. Go watch it, folks.
7: 29: Time for Best Original Screenplay, and one of our favorite Bridesmaids scenes. We love all of these movies, how can they choose? And it goes to … Woody Allen! As Woody Allen fans, we’re down. He ‘s not there to accept the award? Somehow that’s so Woody. But we wanted to hear him speak! We’ll just revisit quotes from Annie Hall to compensate.
7:37: The “Bridesmaids” ladies make an appearance, mixing up the Best Live Action Short presentation. We love these comediennes, and their penis jokes. It makes up for the fact that we haven’t seen any of the shorts.
7:42: Did we just witness an Oscar drinking game? “Saving Face” wins for Best Documentary Short Subject. “The Fantastic Flying Books of Morris Lessmore” wins for Best Animated Short Film. We want to see that from the title alone. These guys are so emphatic!
7:50: Michael Douglas appropriately presents the Best Directing award. It’s so beautiful seeing the actors discuss their perspective on the nominated directors. Michel Hazanavicius wins for the Artist! What an adorable probably French man. For such a film, he deserves this award. We love underdogs. “Sometimes life is wonderful, and today is one of these days.”
7:55: Meryl Streep time. If you don’t love that woman, you have no soul (not to alienate any of our readers). We are getting so emotional from all these clips of James Earl Jones and Ben Kingsley and Oprah … up next is the memorial montage! Hello, tears.
8:07: Hmm … We would have liked more background for the “In Memorium,” and it’s kind of weird they put Steve Jobs in there. But rest in peace, all.
8:10: More testimonies on black backgrounds … we’d like more setup. Oh hey, Edward Norton! What’s that guy up to? We do enjoy hearing the ordeals of actors though, the good and the bad. Fun fact: Tom Cruise’s name is actually Thomas Cruise Mapother IV.
8:14: Also, Natalie Portman’s real name is Natalie Hershlag. She presents the nominees for Best Actor, with great depth and poise – not to get too serious, we just love that girl. And the Oscar goes to … Jean Dujardin, for “The Artist.” Cue adorable French-accented speech. And French shouting! We are really confused by the music that is playing.
8:24: Colin Firth, also a winner from last year, presents Best Actress. Let his British accent lull us into champagne-induced relaxation. Can he complement us as we wait to hear if we won an award? Of course, it goes to Meryl Streep. Seriously, that w0man is an Oscar magnet. We feel like she’s nominated every year, it’s time for a win.
8:33: We are diggin’ this Best Picture montage, with its rather indie ambient background music. Ah, the moment of truth arrives. Drumroll. Suspense. Why is Tom Cruise presenting? It goes to … the Artist! Hooray, we win lots of Oscar betting pools! We mean … congratulations, this is well deserved award, for a film that was innovative yet classic, endearing and poignant. We saw this coming, but it’s still a pleasant surprise. Let’s get some equal screen time for the producers, people. Merci!
8:38: “Goodnight, everybody!” Goodnight, Billy. Now time to watch Barbara Walters interviews, hope she makes someone cry!
Well it was an interesting night all, wish everyone could have won. But as in all things, there must be one winner. We wonder if we could fund our own society and host an awards show …
Thanks to those who read this whole opus of a live blog. Goodnight, and we hope you aren’t nursing a headache tomorrow from being too classy.
Image source: Loren Javier under Creative Commons