It started in Miami, where a naked man was found eating most of another man’s face. Then in Texas, where a mother was accused of killing her own newborn in order to devour his brain and toes. Then again in Maryland, where a college student was charged with killing and eating another man’s heart and brain.The list goes on, but we’re not here to scare the shit out of your intestines.
In Berkeley, gaunt, emaciated figures crawling out of the dark isn’t the strangest sight – we have plenty of EECS majors. Though it is worrisome when they have brains over their finer Maruchan fare. Maybe we’re being paranoid, but maybe, just maybe, the Zombie Apocalypse has some grounds to it. Either ways, we at the Clog prefer our brains in our heads. For our friends and fellow Berkeley citizens, here is The Clog’s Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide:
1. Know where to go
If you thought we were a paranoid news source, check out The Daily Beast’s national map of zombie occurrences. They’ve conveniently mapped hearths of recent zombie activity and places to stray from.
If you’re on campus, we’d recommend Dwinelle. It’s been tested and proven on generations of those who’ve wandered its labyrinthine walls – creatures with limited cognizance, zombie or freshmen, will fail to effectively navigate Dwinelle. Stay away from shopping centers and other popular places like Asian Ghetto or Memorial Glade. Anywhere people are, zombies will be. So yea, go to lecture.
Away from a computer or Google’s down?
There’s an app for that.
Map Of The Dead is an iPhone compatible map of zombie essentials; from gun stores to gas stations to groceries. You won’t have to worry about typing in your address when you’re running from a hoard of zombies, because luckily, Map Of The Dead is location based: much like Grindr, but for another kind of man-eating. And if you’re worried you’ve become infected (from zombie or Grindr activity), the Berkeley Free Clinic is marked as the nearest place to find out!
2. Get your shit together
Even the CDC (Center of Disease Control) is concerned for your brain and has offered a list of essential supplies. The list includes water, food, medication, clothes and sanitation and hygiene toiletries (zombies may be dead, but they can still judge you), but the CDC forgot about weapons!
A large part of survival against zombies is the ability to defend yourself, but the average Berkeley student is less enabled for combat than you may think. Your resounding wit and humor, extensive knowledge of coding, or love of weed won’t help you here. If you’ve never noticed, in ever-accurate zombie movies, zombies don’t feel pain – they’re dead already. Much of subduing a zombie is about obliterating its head, so unless you have the precision of a sniper, a gun will do you no good. Instead, that hefty Biology book you’ve been holding on to is an excellent bludgeoning weapon, and it’s much more valueable in this case than the student store’s buy-back policy.
The only thing more frightening than zombies is unemployment. Keep on studying, bears.
Whether you think this guide is a sad product of mass hysteria or you simply do not want to die, feel free to spread this survival guide to anyone whose life you value. And feel free to miraculously forget to tell your “friends,” Haas holes.
Image source: (from the top)
1. dhollister under Creative Commons
2. Google Maps
4. Global X under Creative Commons
5. Scott Beale under Creative Commons
Tags:dead week, Grindr, survival guide, undead, Zombiepocalypse, zombies
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