Mitt Romney’s rash comment during the presidential debate that he would cut funding for PBS seemed a bit ridiculous. What kind of sane person would cut PBS?! Where would this world be without ‘The Joy of Painting’ and ‘Sesame Street’? In a dark place, that’s where.We feel that any of the Muppets would make a better head of state than Mitt, and here’s our proof:
Bert and Ernie
These two. We know right off the bat that they share a dynamic never before seen between a president and his vice. They complement each other so well that they would always make the right decisions. President Bert is a rock: intelligent and warm, he would make a great envoy and a charming negotiator. His impressive bottle cap collection is proof of his attention to detail and ability to relate to his constituents. Ernie represents the epitome of good ideas. As Vice President, he would bring so many good ideas for fixing the economy that “unemployment” would have to be a Word on the Street. Ideas such as national Rubber Duckie day, which would boost nationwide rubber production, and the new Department of Equality, in which Ernie will take away anything Americans are not able to share equally, leading to redistribution. And we know exactly where they stand on gay marriage.
A domineering personality, Big Bird would scare the living bejeezus out of any foreign diplomat. America wants access to the Persian Gulf? Ten minutes with Ahmadinejad, and Big Bird would make the Gulf into our exclusive swimming pool. Big Bird’s biggest strength is his seemingly naive tone and kind personality. Like a sociopath, Big Bird employs Teddy Roosevelt’s international policy of speaking softly and carrying a big beak. No one messes with Big Bird.
Elmo might act like a baby, but he is regarded by all as royalty. Why do you think he refers to himself in third person? All he has to say is “Elmo wants higher taxes on the rich,” and Congress passes a string of capital gains tax amendments so quickly that Romney’s head would spin. Elmo’s over-the-top approval ratings would guarantee him power over everything. And unlike most people, Elmo would never become corrupt. His heart is as pure as his love for you.
Count von Count
Budget problem? What budget problem? With the Count in charge, the deficit is a figment of your imagination. The Count is so good at math, that he would multiply our growing debt by zero. And then he would subtract from that number a bajillion. Before you know it, small businesses are growing again and the median income is skyrocketing. Need another perk for having him as President? Christopher Nolan would get a presidential commission to make more Batman movies. A lot more Batman movies. And we all love Batman.
The last time someone named Grover was elected president, all hell broke loose. Labor union spats, a severe national depression, and even the realignment of the Republican party. And after it all, everyone still had good things to say about him. The Muppet Grover is just as lovable. Not only is he a superhero and a teacher, he is able to learn from his mistakes. Can you imagine? Someone in Washington with the ability to learn? That sounds unbelievably impressive to us.
The Cookie Monster/Sid
Cookies may now be a “sometimes” food, but the Cookie Monster is an always excellent president. Anyone with an enormous appetite is a good person. Life is about eating, and we need a president who can understand that. The Cookie Monster would feed our nation’s homeless and bring about an era of danishes and croissants. And don’t worry about childhood obesity. The Cookie Monster is the mascot of exercise and physical education — you’re welcome michelle obama. With him in charge, America would be healthier and happier.
Tags:bert, cookie monster, elmo, ernie, grover, Mitt Romney, politics, sesame street, the count
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