Like the students at any self-respecting institution, we here at Cal are of the hyper-competitive, overachieving super nerds type – or at least, that’s what the rest of the world seems to think. Those descriptions aren’t entirely inaccurate however. We all have a desire to be better than everyone else – not pointing any fingers, pre-Haas kids – and we’re typically willing to use rather creative methods to get to that point. Some of us would even say that we
The need to keep up with the ‘Berkeley student expectations has correlated with a huge rise in popularity of supplement use over the last few years. In our efforts to make up for our lack of attention or focus, we have created a generation that has raised the standard for both grades and partying. These drugs have been considered saviors, revolutionary even. However, thanks to the efforts of a group led by Berkeley’s very own Professor Danica Chen, we can now propose an alternative that is – dare we say it – legendary.
The so-called “Fountain of Youth” has long been idealized as the solution to all our problems and the bringer of many more if you’re an ardent fan of Jack Sparrow and company. But no longer is it just a legend located in Florida or the Bahamas – depending on which power-hungry explorer you ask. As our understanding of the aging sciences increases – and by “our,” we mean the really smart people who were probably taking some Adderall – there have been breakthroughs in what is hailed as a “longevity gene.” These wondrous proteins not only halt the degeneration of cells by stress-coping mechanisms, but manipulate the process of aging, which has been read more »
For the vast majority of sports teams, there’s always a definitive point in the season at which their fans allow their thoughts to stray toward the possibility of “next year.” Yes, for the disgruntled sports fan, irritated and beleaguered by supporting perennial bottom-feeders and cellar-dwellers, avoiding the agony of the present by having a “wish list” for their team is indeed a guilty pleasure. Considering that most UC Berkeley students say “Tedford” while cursing under their breath, it’s fairly safe to say that the 2012 sports season is far behind us.
Signing day is a big time not only for the athletes who are committing to their future alma maters but also for the fans who pine for the biggest names to come to their favorite teams. It represents the potential for future success and the cultivation of championship aspirations all rolled into the squiggly ink that makes up the signature on the contract. Seeing as how Bay Area sports have flourished – the Giants with the Series title, the Niners with a Super Bowl bid, and both the Sharks and Warriors pleasant surprises in the Pacific Division, it’s about time that Berkeley was brought up to par.
Despite all the internally generated hype about the athletes that will be joining call – conveniently ignoring the lack of a Top 50 football recruit and the Marcus Lee disaster that broke up a potentially contending basketball squad – we’ve developed our own list of athletes and other athletic-type people that should grace the courts of Cal if our wishes were to come true.
1) Aaron Rodgers
Ever since this legendary quarterback left for the Cheeseheads, we’ve had to endure the likes of Longshore, Ayoob and Levy – all in one season! Given the relative ineptitude of Maynard this past, it’d be wonderful to have some form of competence in the most important position in the game. Who better than a Super Bowl champion to bring Cal some more bowl seasons?
For all of you who don’t know who Titus is, take a moment to bow your head in shame and deference. Check out this video to get to know the little guy. Despite his apparent youth, he’s already reached the social status that accompanies single-name celebrities – a la Cher and Madonna. Given that he studies hard for a decade straight and manages to skip a couple of grades, we’ll be looking at the Final Four in 2028!
3) Emma Watson
The English star, notwithstanding all questionable haircuts, would make a perfect addition to the Cal community. The occasionally sunny skies would certainly be a nice contrast to the years of gloom and rain she lived through in Oxford and on the East Coast at Brown. And even though it was the one sport she wasn’t too good at, she could give our eighth-ranked Quidditch team a few extra pointers to help them prepare for the World Cup.
4) Michael Oher
This guy knows how to get it done. For those of you who don’t remember, he was the “true story” that inspired the award-winning film The Blind Side, that showed a rags-to-riches story of an inherently talented football player. He now has a ring as a member of the Ravens, much to the chagrin of all San Francisco fans. However, despite his enemy status, he’s proven to have things we need – good acting and football talent. Sandra Bullock can attest to that.
5) Missy Franklin
Who better to join our ranks than someone who’s the perfect age for collegiate athletics – sorry, Titus – a proven winner and a nationally heralded recruit that would make waves for Cal’s recruiting program? Oh wait … we already signed her months ago?
Follow Uday on Twitter at @mehtakid
Image source: Juli under Creative Commons
Posted in: Sandbox
, Baltimore Ravens
, Emma Watson
, Final Four
, Forty Niners
, Golden State Warriors
, Jeff Tedford
, Marcus Lee
, Michael Oher
, Missy Franklin
, Pacific Division
, San Jose Sharks
, Sandra Bullock
, The Blind Side
, world series
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Can you remember those days when you poured over college applications for days at a time, toiling away at every word to endear yourselves to those almighty essay readers? Back then, you had to wake up earlier than 8 a.m., and you got to return to the bliss of your relatively spacious home at around 3 p.m. Try to recreate those emotions of frustration and anger at the incessant amount of work that you had to complete, and contrast them with the elation of getting into your dream school. It felt pretty good, right? You were on top of the world, one of those elite few thousand. Savor those feelings, because we’re going to crush them right about now.
From 2007-2011, about 11,000 students were invited to enroll in the world’s best public institution annually. So it may seem that you’re just as special as the rest of the field, even though the raw number of admits has gone up minimally by year. But the number of applicants keeps skyrocketing, as more and more hopeful high-schoolers vie for one of those coveted spots. For the 2012-2013 applicant pool, almost 20,000 more people applied. In case that hasn’t hurt your ego enough, we’ll also tell you that there was an 18% rate of admission, a pretty sharp drop from the 23.3% back in 2007.
Even though there’s a tradition of respecting one’s elders — a matter of class pride and seniority at most universities — there’s definitely respect for all the people these newbies have beaten out. Most of the Cali kids are homegrown in the Bay Area or from SoCal — concentrated in the greater Los Angeles area especially.
There are some bright spots for us old hats, however. The admits had a collective 3.89 GPA, a figure we all surely expect to decrease once they finish their first semester in a rigorous UC Berkeley curriculum. And all that unimpressive stuff they did as teenagers — you know, like being internationally ranked athletes, television actresses and professional dancers — probably has nothing on your glowing college resumes. So even though every successive class has to fight off more read more »
Adjusting to a sleep schedule that is less than your winter break average of 10 hours takes some getting used to, especially when you’re sleeping with one or more sleep-deprived students within 10 feet of you. Unfortunately for you and everyone trapped in that confined space with you, a new study has shown that poor sleep can make romantic partners unappreciated. While we understand that in most cases you and your roommates are not romantically involved, we extrapolated these results to dynamic of Cal students.
One of the main observations of this study is that though one person may have slept soundly, the couple can experience problems if just one of the pair didn’t. With the early-semester overload of classes coupled with the habit of sleeping as the sun starts to come up, there’s a fairly high chance that someone in your dorm or apartment woke up in a cranky mood. And it doesn’t help that someone is bound to have an 8 a.m. class and an annoying alarm that resembles the assortment of noises a car makes when broken into. It’s fair to say that this study is accurate – fewer words are exchanged when people are running low on energy, and it leaves less opportunity for commonplace phrases like “thank you.” No one likes to feel unappreciated, particularly when we’re all pushing ourselves to work the hardest we can.
Another important point that was brought up was how a lack of sleep allots less patience for the idiosyncrasies that you’re used to. For example, the fact that your roommate eats his breakfast one Cheerio at a time may not have particularly caught your attention before, but the constant clinking of the spoon against the bowl would be quick to draw your ire if you’re already feeling sleepy in the morning. Projecting that annoyance into an aura around you can be contagious too, so be careful of how open you are with your emotions after a bad night.
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After enduring a torturous first day of class — including on-the-spot lab cancellations and two hours of awkward introductions — most of us likely wish that we could relive the relative peace and freedom of last week. Though most of us may have been lounging about away from Berkeley, many others — namely spring admits — were partying it up with all the Welcome Week goings-on. In case your flight was delayed by a matter of days, allow us to catch you up on everything that went down.
In the event that you’ve made use of a dorm restroom and taken a number two anytime last semester, you’ve probably seen one of the health tips that our awesome health workers have been putting together. Their peers at the Tang Center put on a presentation about staying healthy, something that a lot of us have yet to learn.
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As we sit helplessly on our last day of freedom, dreading the inevitable tolling of the early-
morning Campanile that will signal the start of the new semester, most of us can’t help but to anticipate what our new classes will be like. Will they be difficult or could the professor be a pushover? Could there be something about that 8 a.m. Physics lecture that you actually like? And the overarching question of them all — could they possibly be fun? Well in case the professor doesn’t have plans for that, we at the Clog have put together a game that might make your first few school days a little brighter.
We would make it a real drinking game, but it’d be a bit unwise to take shots in class — not to mention in the wee hours of the morning. So for the time being just use the bingo card we’ve conveniently provided for you and remember to take your card when you go out to that party tonight, one shot for each mark. The letters denote each type of student, so mark that space when you see someone who qualifies!
Type #1: The Distracted Ones (D)
These are your typical Facebook or Youtube users. Since they’re fairly common — most of us are probably guilty of checking at least once per class if we have our laptops out — we’re not going to give them that many spots on the card. They will do almost anything to escape the incessant drone of the professor’s voice.
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Posted in: Sandbox
, drinking game
, The Chemical Brothers
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Haven’t you ever sat in class and wondered what your professors are like when they’re out of the traditional classroom setting? Office hours and study sessions don’t count – we mean a situation when they aren’t trying to shove scattered bits of knowledge into your overly taxed brain. They may suit up and have the supernatural ability to speak in an endless monotone voice for 90 minutes by day, but what can they really do by night, when they’re not forced to be professional nor scholarly? We decided to do a case study on three of our favorite professors.
*Disclaimer: These comparisons are based purely in fiction – or so we hope – and no connections should be made between any of the characters besides the ones we list below for your amusement.
Chemistry and secret infamous spy organizations – what could those possibly have in common? Only the three main characters of the entire franchise! Let’s start with the big guy – Professor Arnold! Which other characteristics – besides being British – would the good chap share with the super spy…? Well, his dulcet tones can be quite calming, and he does get a solid amount of cheers for the amazing stunts he pulls off on the set – er, in class. He is also prone to a dramatic entrance every now and then by standing on the revolving stage of Pimentel Hall, and jumping off rooftops and landing on both feet.
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As the semester nears its closure, it is becoming more apparent that students will do just about anything to get ahead of their peers. Finals are but a few hours away for some of us, and we can barely trust our friends that were once study buddies for fear they might screw up the curve. Fear not, because there’s a new way to make sure you’re in prime position to tear through your finals without succumbing to the Adderall and Red Bull craze that pervades this time of year. For the mere price of an Andrew Jackson, you can lounge in that stiff wooden chair that is guaranteed to be more comfortable than your dorm chair, your bed, and the roof of Pimentel Hall.
It seems that UC Berkeley students have innovatively come up with ways to make financial progress through these tough times along with their academic advancements. This unnamed entrepreneur is offering you the once-in-a-lifetime chance to snag a seat in one of the best locations on all of campus. The Gardner Main Stacks are a perfect spot to study, though they have allowed the air of intellectual stimulation to get contaminated by the leftover stench of the naked run, or the general possibility of the existence of Stanford students in the library.
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As we’ve progressed into the so-called digital age, we as a University should exhibit the dynamism that makes us such an excellent institution. Yeah we didn’t believe that crap either – but that’s the reason that Dianne Klein, of the UC’s office of the President, gave for the recent “modernization” of the logo of the University of California.
In an unprecedented apparent disregard for the 144 year old seal that has become famous among academic circles – the open book that is truly representative of Cal students during dead week – the University of California has decided to go with a sleeker, cleaner, and more minimalistic design for all publicity purposes. If you were a fan of the older Victorian type scroll and circle, that’ll still be available for viewing pleasure on all official documents and letters. It appears that this stunt is just a marketing campaign that is supposed to make the UC campuses more attractive to the average Californian, as if the almost 400,000 collective applications received during last year’s college rush weren’t enough.
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Posted in: Sandbox
, Dianne Klein
, Fiat Lux
, Kate Middleton
, Let There Be Light
, University of California
, Victorian Seal
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For a supposedly poor public school, Cal does tend to throw a lot of money around at athletics. Over $300 million went into the anticlimactic opening of the Memorial Stadium – an opening that featured a lazy Cal team that lost to an almost-as-pitiful Nevada team. Eight losses and two 40-point blowouts later, athletic director Sandy Barbour decided to rip up ex-head coach Jeff Tedford’s contract – despite the three years and almost $7 million remaining on it. And a little more than two weeks after the end of the teddy bear reign, Barbour has decided to throw the collective tuition of the entire freshman class at a new coach.
Who’s the new guy, you all ask? We guarantee you wouldn’t guess his name – Sonny Dykes. Let that sink in for just a second. The Chicago Bears famously claimed in 2007 that they couldn’t hope to win the Super Bowl with a coach named “Lovie” Smith, so you can imagine how the Cal football team is going to react to the announcement. Not that they’ll all be around to hear it – Keenan Allen, the best receiver in Cal history, declared that he’s bolting for the NFL when he heard the name.
On the bright side, the promising recruit Zach Kline will be taking over for his disappointing Zach counterpart at quarterback next season. And Dykes – he should really have a laugh track ready at his introductory press conference tomorrow – ran an offense at Louisiana Tech that averaged the same number of points that it took three games for Tedford’s gang to get.
Since the word on the street is that Chancellor-designate Dirks has shaved his trademark unibrow upon his appointment, maybe we might see Dykes pull off some of the same magic by tomorrow.
Image source: Westside Shooter under Creative Commons
Posted in: Sandbox
, Chicago Bears
, Jeff Tedford
, keenan allen
, Louisiana Tech
, Lovie Smith
, Memorial Stadium
, nicholas dirks
, Sandy Barbour
, Sonny Dykes
, Super Bowl
, The University of Nevada
, Zach Kline
, Zach Maynard
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