There is nothing quite so exhilarating as a symbolic gathering to represent a student’s step over the threshold of happy university, and into the doom and gloom of the “real world.” On Tuesday, the Clog finally stepped over that threshold and celebrated our vast accomplishments (procrastination-induced all nighters, skipped classes, etc.) with fellow seniors at the annual Commencement Convocation, which was organized by the spirited leadership group, the Californians.

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Craig Newmark, the founder of craigslist, will deliver the Commencement Convocation speech Tuesday, May 13. His special treat to graduating seniors? He’ll be making it up on the spot.

NewsCenter reports that Newmark will emphasize three main points in his speech:

1. Follow in my footsteps: “Never read a prepared speech unless you’re good at it.”

2. Wanna know corporate life? (No.) Read Dilbert.

3. When in doubt, quote Shakespeare: “Brevity is the soul of wit.”

We’d also like to add a No. 4: Never use craigslist casual encounters when drunk.

The event begins at 4 p.m. at the Greek Theatre. Congratulations to all those graduating!

Image Source: Andrew Feinberg under Creative Commons
Craiglist founder to give commencement speech [NewsCenter]

After offering you weeks worth of casual love and after finding summer a snooze, we think you’re ready to get a real job. Being a playa doesn’t pay too well, now does it?

This week, we dug up Craigslist’s best classifieds. We hope your standards aren’t too high. Anything for a buck, right?

Try really, really liking beads. A helluva lot. Baubles & Beads is looking for someone with “previous bead experience, either personal or professional.” We’re not sure if anal beads count. Sorry.

“Our staff has been devoted to sharing our collective knowledge and love for beads with other beader’s in the Bay Area,” says B&B. Part-time, full-time—it doesn’t matter. If you love beads, you’ll have the time of your life.

Guys, want to get a whole grand for playing with yourself this summer? Hey, you were probably planning to do it anyway. Now the Sperm Bank of California wants your sperm!

The specifics:

bq. Becoming a sperm donor means making a commitment to donate 1-3 times a week for 6-12 months. If you are accepted as a donor, you are paid $75-$90 for every usable sample you provide.

We can only see this as a positive: 1) You’re paid for something you’re going to be doing anyway and 2) you’ll get access to free pornographic materials. Never mind the possibility of little yous running around Berkeley. Man, that’d be weird.

Speaking of running around town, Campaign to Save the Environment wants you, and it’s not going to be humble about it. In fact, we’re pretty sure we could link every word in this paragraph its various ads. But we’re better than that.

In the same vein, Greenpeace is just as bold. The organization lists this job under “customer service.” Since when is following innocent people around with menacing clipboards and rehearsed spiels a service? We were quite content listening to “This Is Why I’m Hot,” thankyouverymuch.

That said, both jobs pay loads more the sperm thing. You won’t find yourself coming up short.

East Bay area jobs classifieds [Craigslist]
Earlier: Casual Fridays: Something About the French . . . and Everyone Else

So it seems that we’ve been a bit behind with your local love needs. So sue us (please don’t). It’s not like we haven’t been horribly busy, and it’s not like we’re not keeping you up to date on the blogosphere’s interest in sexiness. We know it’s tough to search Craigslist for your own sexual encounters, so we’ve decided to come back from our accidental hiatus to (wait for it) . . . bring sexy back. Alright.

Let’s get the ball rolling nice and slow—such as a sweet, simple kiss. It’s cute, it’s idealistic and it’s something we’ve all wanted at some point, even if we’re stuck wondering if there’s some innuendo we’re missing. Either way, this isn’t the only time he’s gone looking for a quick peck. So here you go, kiddo: Muah!

In a lovely juxtaposition, this lazy boy seems to drop most of the romanticism from the not-terribly-romantic art of the casual encounter. He’s up for “something,” as long as it doesn’t actually involve too much effort on his part, like walking a few blocks. You’re breaking our heart here.

Granted, at least the lazy ones don’t make us think of used car salesmen. WRITING IN ALL CAPITALS WILL GET ATTENTION, UNDOUBTEDLY. IT’S LIKE YELLING AND BEING EXCITED AND HAVING FLASHING TEXT THAT SAYS, “BUY, BUY, BUY,” BUT IN TYPE. Yeah, not so much. And what the hell is he getting at with the post title, “HAVIN GOOD SEX AND SAVE.. FOR TODAY AND FOR THE WEEKEND”? If that doesn’t sound like Big Joe’s Used Autos, we don’t know what does.

And we know that the French are sexy (at least that’s the stereotype as we know it), but this is kind of ridiculous. We’re not going to jump your bones just because you have a killer hot accent which can make us fall hopelessly into lust in less than a sentence, wanting to rub you up and down and . . . wait, sorry, lost our train of thought. Damn French and their sexiness.

That being said, we have to go and umm . . . shower. Now go get laid.

Casual Encounters [Craigslist Personals]
Earlier: Casual Fridays: Anonymously Confessing Your Need to Just Be Loved/Laid

The AnonCon is totally awesome. That’s why we were so sad when it didn’t start as quickly this spring.

But now’s it’s up and running (finally) and we just couldn’t wait to see all the sexy things happening in these confessions. Truly, the Anoncon is a way to bring sexy back, or just let the timid college students be all that they can be.

Sure, Craigslist is an awesome source for those looking for someone to get down with, but why do that when you can read about horny college students and their not-so-wholesome college lives?

We know that people do more than study and run naked through the Main Stacks. This proves our point:

bq. i will be masturbating in the main stacks tomorrow.

Awesome, tell us when and where and maybe we’ll be there. Not. Just don’t jizz all over the books, okay?

The AnonCon also gives us great philosophical debates, like this one:

bq. I ration out that I can’t be wiping my ass horribly wrong, because people still suck my gentials. If I smelled like shit, I don’t think people would suck on my genitals repeatedly, unless they were into that.

bq. I’d really like to know whether other people manually spread their cheeks to wipe their ass. Additionally, does it take people so many wipes that their ass gets sore?

We’re going to gander five. Don’t ask us why or how we know.

Of course, the best part of the AnonCon is reading all the little schoolgirl crushes that students have on their professors. Get over it. Sure they’re hot, but really, will you ever have a chance with your prof?

These particular confessions are about English professor Kent Puckett:

bq. I do notice that he says “right” about seventy times during lecture and that his darker corduroys have a hole in the backpocket where his wallet pokes through and once he bent down to get something and I saw his tightie-whities.

bq. does anyone else notice how he always seems to feel the need to briefly rest his hand between his neck and his shoulder at the beginning of an office hour conversation? Sometimes he’ll slip his hand inside the collar of his shirt to do this, sometimes he won’t.

Ahh, there’s nothing about daydreaming about hot professors, unless you somehow find a way to get laid through the AnonCon.

bq. I’m one of those girls in your Humanities classes, always chewing on her pen and writing in the margin of her notebook. And usually I’m writing about my day, or his hands, but sometimes I’m writing about the silly thing I want someone (him, especially, but there’s the whole unrequited crush thing) to do to me, a stupid fantasy but it’s true: just write all over me in blue ink, Donne’s “The Sunne Rising” or just I want over and over, and then follow the words with his mouth.

Oh, you sawcy pedantique wretch!

But here’s the bottom line:

bq. have sex with me, berkeleydotedu@gmail
please?

Let’s get it on.

Earlier: Casual Fridays: Getting Dirty the Sanitary Way

We love getting fingered.

Let’s dwell on that for a second. Oh yes.

Yes, it’s Friday and time see what the sexual deviants on Craigslist are up to.

This week, we’re happy to say, people are playing it safe—which leads us back to our original point: fingering.

“Mr. Clean”:http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/cas/318548386.html gets right to point in his subject. He wants to finger you (preferably a lady) with a latex glove. But he’s a gentleman, suggesting coffee first. The first cup is on us.

For those of you into the whole sanitation thing but feeling a bit gayer, a “Hang Loose”:http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/cas/320004315.html couple wants to pay a man to help them clean their pad tomorrow. And don’t think this means an afternoon in the center of a manwich.

bq. We will be cleaning and organizing with you, not just watching. Please be well groomed, chill, dog, music and 420 friendly. pic would be most helpful to establish comfort level. not looking for sex or nude cleaning (dont cleaning supplies get all over your junk???) or anything like that but a sexy guy helping us out wouldnt be a too shabby.

But if you’re like us, getting dirty is the way to go. For the ladies who are itching for a case of scurvy, “Capt. Bone”:http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/cas/320278347.html wants to “get HIGH and FUCK like PIRATES.”

He’s pretty hardcore. This pirate can’t go from saying “I’m too and hot” to “mildly artsy and and [sic] cool as fuck” without injecting an “arrrgghh.” Naturally he beckons you to walk his plank not with “come,” but, oh, wait for it, “cum”!

Damn, that witty wordplay damn near made us spray our grog everywhere.

Casual Encounters [Craigslist Personals]
Earlier: Casual Fridays: 4/20 Sees High Times, Lower Standards

You’d think that Craigslist’s casual encounters would be all a-buzz with 4/20 hookups, but it’s so not. Even so, we’ve found enough sticky-icky to last you all weekend long.

Then again, you may be too busy with your girl Mary Jane to even care.

First, there’s Fratboy, who’s inviting you to kick off your weekend (or continue your intoxicated stupor) with him and his frat. He doesn’t mention which frat he’s in, but he’s eager to tell us that they’re celebrating a day of greens with the Emerald Isle’s car bombs and plenty of, well, green to go around. He’s ready to get awfully friendly and says

at the end of the night we can get to know each other in a different way.

The way that requires closed doors and the clothes to be off, i like this way

So basically he wants to have non-consensual sex with a girl who’s plastered and baked twenty times over. Greeeaaat.

The fun is transcultural too. Two “Ragazzi Italiani” are looking for some “multi-bum-bum” before they head back to their country. Their personal ad is rather short and very Borat-esque, but we think we get the point:

We look for ‘un orgia’ wit other sexy woman or preferibly more, together!

We’re glad to see the word for love is the same in all languages.

Come to think of it, though, none of these bachelors are whetting our sexual appetites. We’re a little scared of these guys (and you can forget about being turned on). Take the Beast for example. He wants “the damsel in distress [for him] to dominate from start to finish.” Forget the rescue, girlfriend–this ain’t no knight in shining armor. He’ll be a warrior, but only against his woman. He wants to use his “strength and ravish her every desire.”

We’ll pass. We’d rather watch “Beauty and the Beast” than act it out, XXX style. Disney is so much better with the ganja anyway.

Casual Encounters [Craigslist Personals]
Earlier: Casual Fridays: Blowing Loads and Munching Away

With Cake and Cunnilingus Day (NSFW) coming up tomorrow, we at the Clog are pumped. We’ve got some sticky buns in the oven and some sexy to be had. Can you smell what we’re cooking?

Today’s an extra-sweet rendition of Casual Fridays, in which we sum up the creme de la creme of Craigslist’s casual encounters. This is more than your typical after school milk and cookies.

Looks like Captain Cunnilingus (we’re not making this up) is the hero for your tomorrow. He claims he’s a “sexy white guy with curly ass hair” who’s ready to stay in for dessert. Quite frankly, we prefer guys with no ass hair, but as long as it’s not a fro we (and you) might as well give it a go. He wants to “eat6 sum fuckin pussy.” We hope “eat6″ is as hot as it sounds.

But maybe your day doesn’t need cunnilingus. Maybe you need a spoon to eat your cake (hey, it could be ice cream cake). Meet your new cuddle buddy. You may not both be able to fit in your dorm twin bed, but at least you’ll be warm and snug. Aww, we’re getting warm fuzzies already. Plus, he’s “open to more then [sic] just cuddling” so, know you, it’s totally cool if you want the cunnilingus after all. Or if you just want to skip that shit and bone. Totally up to you. For sure.

Let’s not bag on the Craigslist guys though. They are all sweet at heart and just want a little love. They want to share the love and give some love. One is searching for a girl who “is up for whatever.” Apparently “whatever” translates to letting him “blow [his] load in her ass.” That’s so romantic. Are you feeling the warm fuzzies yet?

Even ASUC hopefuls are joining the lovefest. Ben Narodick, Student Advocate and senatorial candidate, sent us an email today with a personal ad to share with the rest of the student body–except the ad wasn’t for him.

The ad, for SQUELCH! candidate Andy Morris, is titled “You’re gunna have to trust me… to love you (m4w)”. It reads:

Six time K1 Fighting Champion and champion steel guitar player seeks same for experiment in time travel. Must be between the height of 5′6″-5′9″, head optional. In exchange for your undying love and affection I promise to not play sexual tetherball with my twig and berries when your mom is around. Complete lack of dental records a major plus.

There’s no mention of cunnilingus or cake, but we’re sure that can be arranged. Happy munching.

Casual Encounters [Craigslist Personals]
Earlier: Casual Fridays: You’re in Luck if You’re Queer and Like Asians

Now that midterms are over and spring break has sprung (and perhaps something in your pants too), you’re looking to kick back. Last weekend we gave you three smokin’ bachelors. It’s time to up the ante.

You may want to change your spring break plans once you see our line-up of the best of Craigslist’s casual encounters. This weekend Berkeley’s hosting an orgy of abs, threesomes and burgers. Pictures included.

If you’re looking to satisfy your sexual appetite, BurgerBoy’s got your back. He wants to tap it “from behind (either hole of preference)” and stuff you silly. He’s going “to slide a burger or something underneath you and have you eat it while being pounded from behind.” It gives a whole new meaning to quarter pounder.

Then there are those who don’t quite understand the purpose of the casual encounters section. It’s for boning, mmkay? One Berkeley student (who’s surprisingly “NOT an engineer or MCB thing”) has the room to himself tonight. He doesn’t want to get too frisky:

bq. Not thinking sex though!!! Maybe moooooooooovie and sillyness?

And his picture?

What the fuck is that? It’s just not sexy enough. Or at all. But this next classy couple (yes, we said couple) gets our motors a-runnin’. They seem smart, sexy, and confident. Just check out these great tits:

It gets hotter. (And more desperate.) Don’t believe us? Try Mr. Washboard, who allegedly hasn’t “cum in about 2 weeks.” He also posted at least three times this week–here are the second and third posts. No one’s taking him up on his offer, but we can’t see why not.

Interested? This guy has the full package (we hope). He’s been busybq. trying out new health products (herbs, vitamins, supplements.. all natural) that apparently increase circulation to the testicles, resulting in higher yields of semen, thicker cum, more potent.

Plus he’s “been drinking plenty of pineapple juice.” So if you like (ahem) “piña colada” and getting caught in the “rain,” write to him and escape.

Casual Encounters [Craigslist Personals]