What if we told you that the university is currently advertising two on-campus homes for sale at the fabulously low price of exactly one buckaroo? Being the remarkably astute and endearingly cynical college students we know you are, you’d probably immediately speculate on the inevitable fine print of such an outlandish offer.

Congratulations! Higher education has served you well. The duo of houses, located at 2241 and 2243 College Ave, can be generously described as real fixer-uppers, and (arguably) more accurately characterized as pieces of sh*t.

So, whatever, you cough up $1 for a 100-year-old building that we imagine counts asbestos among the very least of its concerns. But wait! That’s not all. Now that you’ve got this behemoth of a beauty on your hands, the UC wants you to move it—pronto.

Where to, you wonder? Hey, that’s not their problem. The school’s sole objective, according to a laconic Craiglist ad, is “conveying one or both of the buildings to an interested buyer for one dollar in exchange for the buyer moving the structures from the site in a timely manner.”

Which sounds, in a nutshell, like Berkeley is recruiting suckers conscientious preservationists to take out their trash. Without, might we add, disturbing a handful of “beautiful mature trees.” Oh, and you have to make a $100,000 deposit—so, you know, they don’t think you’re full of crap.

We suggest saving your money for the bus.

Image Source: Thomas Hawk under Creative Commons
Two Berkeley homes for sale: just $1.00 each [SFGate]

Also: We kinda dig the Morrison ‘do on Weird Al Yankovic. We also feel really gross for saying that.

Above is Al’s latest, a song about the weird smorgasbord you’ll find on craigslist a la the Doors. Why the Doors? Why not the Doors, we’d reply (which we just did).

We don’t know if this song was inspired by real craigslist sales/missed connections/free stuff forums, but one can only hope.

“Weird Al” Yankovic – Craigslist [YouTube]
via Laughing Squid

We are: the guy or girl who posted the “erotic services” ad, without a phone or valid credit card number. You are: Craigslist, the web site that allowed us to do it and reach our customer base. Now you won’t post our ads and also, you’ve entered into an agreement with attorneys general from 40 states in which you promised to sue some companies that have been helping us get around … the law. And you’re going to start handing over information to the fuzz. WTF? We thought we had a connection!

Oh, and now you’re also taking steps to help reduce human trafficking and find missing children? Thanks, but we’re looking for someone with a little more edge to fulfill our needs.

(P.S. In a presumed blessing from the irony gods, right below this article on the CBS5 site, the link in the “From Our Partners” box reads “Careers: Find a job in San Francisco.” Um, you’re welcome.)

(P.P.S. This week’s other sign of the apocalypse. No, we’re still not over it. )

Image Source: InfoMofo under Creative Commons
Craigslist to Crack Down on Prostitution Ads [CBS5], via SFist
Earlier: Candidates’ Effigies Butchered, Hanged

There is nothing quite so exhilarating as a symbolic gathering to represent a student’s step over the threshold of happy university, and into the doom and gloom of the “real world.” On Tuesday, the Clog finally stepped over that threshold and celebrated our vast accomplishments (procrastination-induced all nighters, skipped classes, etc.) with fellow seniors at the annual Commencement Convocation, which was organized by the spirited leadership group, the Californians.

We began our commencement adventure at the Californians’ pre-reception in Haas Plaza, where we stuffed our face with free fruits, watercress sandwiches, whipped cream and miniature cake delicacies. After a few talks from former Californians, stole presentations to graduating Californians and a photo shoot with Oski, we headed up to the Maxwell Family Field to line up for the procession of seniors into the Greek Theatre.

The very organized sea of black gowns and tassels reminded us of a mechanical line at Disneyland that walked to the long-awaited sound of “Pomp and Circumstance.” We snaked pompously up Bowles, backstage and then onto the grand stage to get our photos taken.

Heading to our seats, we could see that the crowd was totally packed. (Not.) The Clog supposes this ceremony just didn’t have the draw that other campus commencements do–you know, expensive gimmicks like Oprah or Bill Clinton.

But that’s alright. At least we have our jolly Chancellor Birgeneau, who greeted us after an introduction by Mr. Deep, Disembodied Voice. After honoring the late Chris Wootton with a moment of silence, Birgeneau spoke of the plight of undocumented students, the campus’ green achievements (apparently, the campus has already reached the governator’s green goal years ahead of schedule), and continued the ceremony on a note of activism.

President of the California Alumni Association, Darek DeFreece, had by far the most energetic speech. He boasted the usefulness of K.I.T. and being B.F.F.’s with our alma mater (at the price of $500 for a lifetime membership) and cracked some Craigslist jokes.

Mr. Craigslist himself had a very disorganized keynote address, but hey, we expected it! He made the Chancellor chuckle in his seat with implied jabs at Bush, blogged the ceremony, and spoke of the importance of social networking sites. In the end, he asked a teensy favor of all the graduates. The favor? That we change the world.

First Birgeneau, then Craig. God, there’s so much pressure on us now.

Meanwhile, the graduates in all their polyester glory sat in the scorching heat, shielding themselves with programs and envying the shade of the stage. There was a performance of “Get on the Bus,” by Melting Pot, a band of seniors:

And then a barrage of awards was given out to smart people, people who are changing the world big time (like the man whose life’s work is to give Tuberculosis the smack down), and athletes like Justin Forsett, who received his award to cheers and cries of “GO SEATTLE!”

Just when most of the senior class and audience were verging on heat stroke, the ceremony ended. Most everyone headed to the crowded Campanile Esplanade, where we we met up with our friend–free food–once again. The pizza bread was simply scrumptious, but it ran out early.

We can’t wait for our departmental commencement. After that, it’s official. We’re out.

Congratulations to the Class of 2008! Best of luck to you in all your futures.

Image Source: Patrici Flores
Earlier: Craigslist Founder To Wing It for Commencement

NewsCenter reports that Newmark will emphasize three main points in his speech:

1. Follow in my footsteps: “Never read a prepared speech unless you’re good at it.”

2. Wanna know corporate life? (No.) Read Dilbert.

3. When in doubt, quote Shakespeare: “Brevity is the soul of wit.”

We’d also like to add a No. 4: Never use craigslist casual encounters when drunk.

The event begins at 4 p.m. at the Greek Theatre. Congratulations to all those graduating!

Image Source: Andrew Feinberg under Creative Commons
Craiglist founder to give commencement speech [NewsCenter]

This week, we dug up Craigslist’s best classifieds. We hope your standards aren’t too high. Anything for a buck, right?

Try really, really liking beads. A helluva lot. Baubles & Beads is looking for someone with “previous bead experience, either personal or professional.” We’re not sure if anal beads count. Sorry.

“Our staff has been devoted to sharing our collective knowledge and love for beads with other beader’s in the Bay Area,” says B&B. Part-time, full-time—it doesn’t matter. If you love beads, you’ll have the time of your life.

Guys, want to get a whole grand for playing with yourself this summer? Hey, you were probably planning to do it anyway. Now the Sperm Bank of California wants your sperm!

The specifics:

bq. Becoming a sperm donor means making a commitment to donate 1-3 times a week for 6-12 months. If you are accepted as a donor, you are paid $75-$90 for every usable sample you provide.

We can only see this as a positive: 1) You’re paid for something you’re going to be doing anyway and 2) you’ll get access to free pornographic materials. Never mind the possibility of little yous running around Berkeley. Man, that’d be weird.

Speaking of running around town, Campaign to Save the Environment wants you, and it’s not going to be humble about it. In fact, we’re pretty sure we could link every word in this paragraph its various ads. But we’re better than that.

In the same vein, Greenpeace is just as bold. The organization lists this job under “customer service.” Since when is following innocent people around with menacing clipboards and rehearsed spiels a service? We were quite content listening to “This Is Why I’m Hot,” thankyouverymuch.

That said, both jobs pay loads more the sperm thing. You won’t find yourself coming up short.

East Bay area jobs classifieds [Craigslist]
Earlier: Casual Fridays: Something About the French . . . and Everyone Else

Let’s get the ball rolling nice and slow—such as a sweet, simple kiss. It’s cute, it’s idealistic and it’s something we’ve all wanted at some point, even if we’re stuck wondering if there’s some innuendo we’re missing. Either way, this isn’t the only time he’s gone looking for a quick peck. So here you go, kiddo: Muah!

In a lovely juxtaposition, this lazy boy seems to drop most of the romanticism from the not-terribly-romantic art of the casual encounter. He’s up for “something,” as long as it doesn’t actually involve too much effort on his part, like walking a few blocks. You’re breaking our heart here.

Granted, at least the lazy ones don’t make us think of used car salesmen. WRITING IN ALL CAPITALS WILL GET ATTENTION, UNDOUBTEDLY. IT’S LIKE YELLING AND BEING EXCITED AND HAVING FLASHING TEXT THAT SAYS, “BUY, BUY, BUY,” BUT IN TYPE. Yeah, not so much. And what the hell is he getting at with the post title, “HAVIN GOOD SEX AND SAVE.. FOR TODAY AND FOR THE WEEKEND”? If that doesn’t sound like Big Joe’s Used Autos, we don’t know what does.

And we know that the French are sexy (at least that’s the stereotype as we know it), but this is kind of ridiculous. We’re not going to jump your bones just because you have a killer hot accent which can make us fall hopelessly into lust in less than a sentence, wanting to rub you up and down and . . . wait, sorry, lost our train of thought. Damn French and their sexiness.

That being said, we have to go and umm . . . shower. Now go get laid.

Casual Encounters [Craigslist Personals]
Earlier: Casual Fridays: Anonymously Confessing Your Need to Just Be Loved/Laid

But now’s it’s up and running (finally) and we just couldn’t wait to see all the sexy things happening in these confessions. Truly, the Anoncon is a way to bring sexy back, or just let the timid college students be all that they can be.

Sure, Craigslist is an awesome source for those looking for someone to get down with, but why do that when you can read about horny college students and their not-so-wholesome college lives?

We know that people do more than study and run naked through the Main Stacks. This proves our point:

bq. i will be masturbating in the main stacks tomorrow.

Awesome, tell us when and where and maybe we’ll be there. Not. Just don’t jizz all over the books, okay?

The AnonCon also gives us great philosophical debates, like this one:

bq. I ration out that I can’t be wiping my ass horribly wrong, because people still suck my gentials. If I smelled like shit, I don’t think people would suck on my genitals repeatedly, unless they were into that.

bq. I’d really like to know whether other people manually spread their cheeks to wipe their ass. Additionally, does it take people so many wipes that their ass gets sore?

We’re going to gander five. Don’t ask us why or how we know.

Of course, the best part of the AnonCon is reading all the little schoolgirl crushes that students have on their professors. Get over it. Sure they’re hot, but really, will you ever have a chance with your prof?

These particular confessions are about English professor Kent Puckett:

bq. I do notice that he says “right” about seventy times during lecture and that his darker corduroys have a hole in the backpocket where his wallet pokes through and once he bent down to get something and I saw his tightie-whities.

bq. does anyone else notice how he always seems to feel the need to briefly rest his hand between his neck and his shoulder at the beginning of an office hour conversation? Sometimes he’ll slip his hand inside the collar of his shirt to do this, sometimes he won’t.

Ahh, there’s nothing about daydreaming about hot professors, unless you somehow find a way to get laid through the AnonCon.

bq. I’m one of those girls in your Humanities classes, always chewing on her pen and writing in the margin of her notebook. And usually I’m writing about my day, or his hands, but sometimes I’m writing about the silly thing I want someone (him, especially, but there’s the whole unrequited crush thing) to do to me, a stupid fantasy but it’s true: just write all over me in blue ink, Donne’s “The Sunne Rising” or just I want over and over, and then follow the words with his mouth.

Oh, you sawcy pedantique wretch!

But here’s the bottom line:

bq. have sex with me, berkeleydotedu@gmail
please?

Let’s get it on.

Earlier: Casual Fridays: Getting Dirty the Sanitary Way

Let’s dwell on that for a second. Oh yes.

Yes, it’s Friday and time see what the sexual deviants on Craigslist are up to.

This week, we’re happy to say, people are playing it safe—which leads us back to our original point: fingering.

“Mr. Clean”:http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/cas/318548386.html gets right to point in his subject. He wants to finger you (preferably a lady) with a latex glove. But he’s a gentleman, suggesting coffee first. The first cup is on us.

For those of you into the whole sanitation thing but feeling a bit gayer, a “Hang Loose”:http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/cas/320004315.html couple wants to pay a man to help them clean their pad tomorrow. And don’t think this means an afternoon in the center of a manwich.

bq. We will be cleaning and organizing with you, not just watching. Please be well groomed, chill, dog, music and 420 friendly. pic would be most helpful to establish comfort level. not looking for sex or nude cleaning (dont cleaning supplies get all over your junk???) or anything like that but a sexy guy helping us out wouldnt be a too shabby.

But if you’re like us, getting dirty is the way to go. For the ladies who are itching for a case of scurvy, “Capt. Bone”:http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/cas/320278347.html wants to “get HIGH and FUCK like PIRATES.”

He’s pretty hardcore. This pirate can’t go from saying “I’m too and hot” to “mildly artsy and and [sic] cool as fuck” without injecting an “arrrgghh.” Naturally he beckons you to walk his plank not with “come,” but, oh, wait for it, “cum”!

Damn, that witty wordplay damn near made us spray our grog everywhere.

Casual Encounters [Craigslist Personals]
Earlier: Casual Fridays: 4/20 Sees High Times, Lower Standards

Then again, you may be too busy with your girl Mary Jane to even care.

First, there’s Fratboy, who’s inviting you to kick off your weekend (or continue your intoxicated stupor) with him and his frat. He doesn’t mention which frat he’s in, but he’s eager to tell us that they’re celebrating a day of greens with the Emerald Isle’s car bombs and plenty of, well, green to go around. He’s ready to get awfully friendly and says

at the end of the night we can get to know each other in a different way.

The way that requires closed doors and the clothes to be off, i like this way

So basically he wants to have non-consensual sex with a girl who’s plastered and baked twenty times over. Greeeaaat.

The fun is transcultural too. Two “Ragazzi Italiani” are looking for some “multi-bum-bum” before they head back to their country. Their personal ad is rather short and very Borat-esque, but we think we get the point:

We look for ‘un orgia’ wit other sexy woman or preferibly more, together!

We’re glad to see the word for love is the same in all languages.

Come to think of it, though, none of these bachelors are whetting our sexual appetites. We’re a little scared of these guys (and you can forget about being turned on). Take the Beast for example. He wants “the damsel in distress [for him] to dominate from start to finish.” Forget the rescue, girlfriend–this ain’t no knight in shining armor. He’ll be a warrior, but only against his woman. He wants to use his “strength and ravish her every desire.”

We’ll pass. We’d rather watch “Beauty and the Beast” than act it out, XXX style. Disney is so much better with the ganja anyway.

Casual Encounters [Craigslist Personals]
Earlier: Casual Fridays: Blowing Loads and Munching Away