We also came up with a somewhat arbitrary–yet ever so apropos–overall rating scale. From worst to best: Steamed Milk, Weak Coffee, Single Shot, Double Shot or Triple Shot.

-

We began our epic (and by “epic,” we mean “involving a lot of walking”) journey at Northside staple, Brewed Awakening, partially because we thought we’d work our way south and partially because it closed first–6 p.m. on Saturday nights. Boo on that. The atmosphere was conducive enough to studying–everyone in the place was doing it, and the prices were low at 95 cents for a drip coffee, but something was still missing …

April Isabel Angeles: It doesn’t look like they do food …
Evante Garza-Licudine: Those bitches. Give ‘em a zero.

It turned out that Brewed does do food, just not a lot of it. And not close to closing time. Fortunately, their cappuccino was described as “the friendliest cappuccino in town” by our guest caffeine connoisseur, though we’re still not sure what that means.

Price (Small cappuccino): $2
Overall Rating: Single shot.
Foam Factor: High. Heart!

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Before departing from Brewed Awakening, we briefly debated whether or not the coffee heart in our foam was intentional. And then we set off, over the river and through the woods of the twilit campus. To Yali’s Cafe, we were going. Unfortunately, our witty dialogue-punctuated capering was mostly in vain, because Yali’s was closed.

Price: Unknown!
Overall Rating: Empty cup. Empty non-compostable cup. Ugh.
Foam Factor: Un. Freaking. Known.

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Next up, the motley Clog crew traipsed over to the rather democratically-named People’s Coffee and Tea on Shattuck Ave. A wave of warmth met us as we entered the packed, but weirdly silent cafe, noting the, erm … eclectic decor along the way. We also noticed some rather quaint bookshelves filled with old-looking books that weren’t being taken advantage of, because literally (har) everyone in the joint was absorbed by their laptops. Except the Clog.

Jill Cowan: (Whispers.) I feel like I’m disturbing people by speaking.
Ruby Lee: (Peeking in at the back room’s mural.) I don’t think I’d want to sit in outer space.
EGL: Everyone looks the same. Very hip.

(After obtaining our cappuccino … )

RL: It’s, like, not real. It weighs nothing!
Rajesh Srinivasan: SO MUCH FOAM! (Sips.) Nice balance between foam and … I mean, it’s not too dry or too wet.*
RL: That’s so Goldilocks. (Sips.) The other one was more milky. This one’s stronger.
RS: Harder, better, faster …

After sighing a bit over the adorable individual teapots and noticing the “Long’s Drugs”-like snack selection and extensive menu that included omelettes, the Clog headed back out into the cold.

Price: $2.25
Overall Rating: Double Shot
Foam Factor: High. Wow.

-

As we marched to campus hub, the Free Speech Movement Cafe (yeah, we went there), the Clog discussed the cafe’s often acronym-ized name.

RS: Whenever I think of ‘FSM,’ I think of ‘S and M.’
EGL: Really? I think of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

We arrived and ordered our beverage. The cafe was almost empty, but the Clog knew the truth–during the day, the place is always packed. We, then, decided to focus our attention on the tiny cappuccino.

AIA: The foam is less airy. The espresso part is thicker than all the other ones. Also, the newspapers are distracting.
RS: It’s kinda mucus-y.
JC: I kinda like it. I’m kinda into that.
RS: Jill Cowan is into mucus-y foam.

Price: $2.10, but tiny!
Overall Rating: Weak coffee (But plus brownie points for awesome food.)
Foam Factor: Low-ish, and mucus-y.

-

Cafe Milano was next on our hit list. Despite its proximity to campus, more than one Clogger told tales of its uncanny similarities to Platform Nine and 3/4.

AIA: It’s, like, Harry Potter status.
RL: One time, I was going to office hours there, and I passed right by it.

Once seated in the cafe, we assessed the atmosphere only to find that electrical outlets were few and far between, and Wi-fi was NOT FREE. Despite this nasty little realization, we decided we should be sporting and stay, if only because the sandwiches were reportedly “epic,” and it was a nice, open space. When our cappuccino arrived, it was lukewarm, as was the Clog’s general response.

RS: It’s not as light as Brewed but still pretty light.
RL: It’s heavier than People’s.
AIA: It’s kind of milky-tasting.

Price: $2.25
Overall Rating: Weak coffee
Foam Factor: Off the chart.

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By this point in our journey, the Clog was getting mildly exhausted (despite being totally hopped up on espresso) and a little hungry. So we took a quick detour to Blondie’s and then made our way down Telegraph Ave. to our final destination–veritable Berkeley institution, Caffe Mediterraneum, where the people are characters and the foam is always a work of art. Also, it is the self-proclaimed birthplace of the latte. (Take that, Italy!) Also, Dustin Hoffman was there. Anyway, we digress.

We ordered our cappuccino and headed upstairs, where spotlessness and transparency were apparently not the top priorities.

AIA: It smells funny up here. Hey, there’s a secret door! (Points as someone emerges from a shelf.) I feel like Alice in Wonderland.
EGL: There are always hobos outside.
RL: I always hone in on the interesting conversations.

The drink itself was well worth the longer wait. It was served in a ceramic cup, and had a foam heart that was undeniably intentional. We also observed that just one person was using a laptop. So much for studying.

RL: I feel like I’m in a real cafe.

Price: $2.50 with two shots of espresso.
Overall Rating: Triple shot (for not studying.)
Foam Factor: Low, but tasty and pretty.

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Thus, a simultaneously wired and tired Clog staff (plus an Arts person) concluded a six-cafe crawl, knowing exactly where we’ll be dragging our computers when we need to buckle down (People’s) and where we’ll go to relax and enjoy the (slightly smelly) view–Caffe Mediterraneum. Bon appetite! Er … Ciao?

First off, a little background information. A croissant is a delicious French pastry; its national origin is apparent from the way that its proper pronunciation sounds nothing like it’s spelled. Its main ingredient, we think, is butter, and contains something like 300 to 400 calories. Dieters beware.

La Farine Berkeley, located at College and Alcatraz avenues.
Price: $1.85

The first thing that we noticed was La Farine’s speedy service. The croissant was good, as far as layers and layers of buttery tissue pastry go. It even had a hollow, emptiness to it–which gave us the impression of part rip-off, part bourgeois. We only had one negative comment.

Christine Borden: “It doesn’t taste burnt, but it tastes like oven.”

Overall rating: 7.5, “like buttah,” as we would say in our best New York accent

Nabolom, located at Russel Street and College Avenue.
Price: $2.25

The actual bakery is located across the street from this beautiful, mysterious shack.

We were turned off by their price at first, but we didn’t feel so bad once we found that their croissants are as big as our faces.

Evante Garza-Licudine: “I can’t tell if this is an edge or the middle.”

This definitely was not a good sign. It’s a croissant, not a slice of Crossroads cornbread. You’re supposed to be able to distinguish a toasty outer layer from a light, soft middle.

All in all, their croissant was chewy, not flaky. It was salty and sweet. It was doughy and very filling. After feeling up the croissant in a truly French fashion, our resident foodie felt the need to state the inconvenient truth:

CB: “It’s a monstrosity for fat Americans.”

Overall rating: 5.5 for looking like a dead rat.

Semifreddies, located somewhere that the Cloggers never found.
Rating: 0 for not being easier to find.

Masse’s, located at Shattuck Avenue and Vine Street.
Price: Sold out.

It’s goodness will never be known.

Rating: 0 for having to sit through a long, defensive explanation as to why they sold out of croissants that morning.

Cheeseboard, also located at Shattuck Avenue and Vine Street.
Price: They didn’t even bother selling croissant that day.

Needless to say, we all felt like failures by the end of our croissant crawl across Berkeley. We ducked our heads into Starbucks for a hot minute, and only then felt officially defeated. As much we love to hate Starbucks, they were fully stocked with butter croissants lining their plastic bread and junk food display case.

Life lesson of the day: For better croissant luck next time–less Berkeley, more Paris.

Image source: April Isabel Angeles
Earlier: Crawling Berkeley: Livin’ La Vida Tapioca

OK, so we’re pretty sure people have eaten this shit before. But we sampled the craziest, weirdest and most exotic flavors we could find. And now we’re telling you how it is. Listen up, son.

Glide on …

First we drove down to 4th Street ’cause we’re lazy. We sat down at Sketch, which specializes in hand-crafted ice cream. It’s a little gourmet, if we do say so ourselves.

Earl Grey tea, $3.50

Skyler Reid: Sketch is not, in fact, sketch.
Gerald Nicdao: This isn’t Earl Grey tea. They lied.
Christine Borden: This would taste good with caramel.
SR: Sadly, they don’t have caramel here. They only have burnt caramel. It’s more expensive … Why are we eating with sticks?

Overall, a smooth, rich flavor, but with an odd and too-sweet aftertaste.
Quality of snooty dairy product: 7/10
Flavor with the most syllables: organic coffee granita
——

Next the Clog beetled over to Shattuck Avenue’s Gourmet Ghetto, where we found Ciao Bella Gelato. Oh God, that place smelled so good.

Carrot ginger, $3.95

GN: Doesn’t taste like anything.
SR: Spicy.
GN: I don’t taste that.
CB: I don’t taste the carrot. Oh. Now I taste the carrot. Tricky. Oh. It was like a ginger attack.
GN: I CAN’T TASTE THE CARROT!

Not as smooth as Sketch’s ice cream.
Quality of snooty dairy product: 6/10
Flavor with the most syllables: Straccitella chocolate chip gelato
——

We headed over to the Berkeley BART area on Shattuck to hit up Gelato Milano, which proved to be more exciting than its plain white exterior led us to believe.

Crem caramel, $3.00

CB: If baby flesh were to taste like anything, it would taste like this.
SR: It would be saltier.
GN: It’d taste like bacon … I still can’t taste the carrots.

Milano had the perfect gelato consistency, and the flavor wasn’t overpowering.
Quality of snooty dairy product: 8/10
Flavor with the most syllables: Mandorla tostata
——

Gelateria Naia was just a block away on Shattuck. We were suprised to find it, well, sucked. Then again, our flavor was tad ballsy.

Whole grains, $3.25

SR: Maybe it’s a good source of fiber
CB: Is that good for the anal stage?
SR: Are you coming on to me?
CB: OK, who wants to finish this one?
GN & SR: Not me.
SR: Fine, I’ll do it.

Accurate flavor, we’ll give them that. Too stiff and dry.
Quality of snooty dairy product: 4/10
Flavor with the most syllables: Madagascar vanilla, cantucci e vin santo and chocolate peanut butter
——

Our last stop was, like last time, on College Avenue. We said bonjour to Ici, a French ice cream parlor and bakery. Dude, they even had Baked Alaska.

Chicory, $2.75

SR: Definitely points for having real spoons. Bendable spoons. Oh my God, they are the perfect flicking spoon. Hey, Gerald, catch!
CB: These spoons are nice!
GN: Amazing! Can you break ‘em? … Kinda looks like sperm.
Skyler breaks his own spoon

Spoons aside, the ice cream had the perfect texture for its class. The flavor, however, was a bit too heavy on the spices and clung to our palates.
Quality of snooty dairy product: 7/10
Flavor with the most syllables: Lemon amarena cherry

Earlier: Crawling Berkeley: A Better Cuppa Joe

First stop, Nefeli’s Caffe, the shining star of Northside, and what turns out to be some of the best coffee in town.

Ethan Strauss: Can you normally grind your own nutmeg? Because that’s pretty cool.
Christine Borden: Very good mix of cafe and latte. You don’t even need sugar.
ES: You can really taste the beaniness.
CB: The beaniness?
ES: The beaniness.
Gerald Nicdao: …

Quality of coffee: 9 of 10
Overall quality: 8.5 of 10
Ethan’s rating of pretentiousness: 7 of 10

—-

Next we wandered down Hearst Avenue toward Berkeley Espresso. Despite the underwhelming coffee, we’ve gotta give some points out to anywhere that has free wi-fi. Their carrot cake’s pretty damn good too.

ES: The flavor is reminiscent of burnt taste buds.
Skyler Reid: It’s definitely a weak flavor . . . way too hot . . . yeah, burnt taste buds seems about right.
CB: Needs sugar. [Goes inside to get sugar. Adds one packet of sugar. Sips. Adds a second packet of sugar. Sips] The sugar didn’t work. It still tastes like burn.
GN: …

Quality of coffee: 6 of 10
Overall quality: 8 of 10
Ethan’s rating of pretentiousness: 9 of 10

—-

People’s seems to be hidden in the occasionally staggering number of options near University and Shattuck avenues. Sadly, it’s not that big a loss.

SR: Feels a little bit quiet . . . and there’s a creepy old guy staring at you, Christine.
ES: I don’t really know about this flavor.
SR: You mean the flavor of overly roasted beans and bubbly foam?
CB: Wow. This tastes just like the smell of my weird video production teacher’s breath in high school . . . wait, that sounds wrong.
ES: Whatever the fuck that stuff is on the wall, it’s cool.
CB: That’s bamboo, Ethan. Hey, if you’re really lucky you might find that book for class that you never bought!
GN: …

Quality of coffee: 5 of 10
Overall quality: 7 of 10
Ethan’s rating of pretentiousness: 8 of 10

—-

The Clog’s next stop in our pain-staking research was the Free Speech Movement Cafe. Low and behold, it’s closed for Memorial Day weekend. But that didn’t stop Ethan from monologuing in place of an actual review.

ES: So at FSM you get to stand in a line that’s twenty people long where you’ll run into a GSI from a class you took two semesters ago and have an awkward conversation about the class, which you don’t remember at all. Eventually you make it through the line of annoying, screeching students and are served by that one guy who everyone knows. You know, that one guy. The coffee is spectacularly alright-ish, but then you have to somehow find seating, which is simply impossible to do anywhere inside.
CB: Great place to smoke, though.
GN: …

Quality of coffee: N/A
Overall quality: N/A
Ethan’s rating of pretentiousness: N/A

—-

A short walk across campus brought us to the normally packed Cafe Milano. Chalk it up to the effects of too much caffeine (we’re all drinking water by this point), but everything seemed a bit off, from the service to the taste of the latte.

SR: Tastes . . . sour? It’s like the milk is a bit off.
CB: It tastes a bit burnt. I’m reminded of Berkeley Espresso.
ES: The only way it could feel more pretentious would be if they built a chamber for foreign grad students to smoke in while listening to minimalist electronic music.
GN: …

Quality of coffee: 5.5 of 10
Overall quality: 6.5 of 10
Ethan’s rating of pretentiousness: 11+ of 10

—-

In the last stop of the day, the heavily caffeinated Clog staff went all the way down to Beanery by College and Ashby avenues. While it is, admittedly, outside of the two block radius from campus that most students rarely break, we felt it important to see what was available in the outer ring of the Berkeley Bubble.

ES: Although the milkiness might be too much for some people, I think it’s nice. It makes it really smooth. Reminds me of the lattes my mom used to make.
SR: [Confused look]
ES: No, seriously. That’s not even a joke.
CB: I like it, but it’s kind of overshadowed by this peanut butter cup sundae drenched in hot fudge and peanuts.
ES: [Finishing last coffee] Mmmm, tastes like Gerald.
GN: …