We all know how it goes: If you live in Berkeley, and you’re not politically involved, people will most likely think you’re a tool. Which is not to say that the parameters of “politically involved” are particularly stringent. All you really need is a sign and a red ribbon and hey, look at that! You’re an activist.

So naturally it would follow that the best means of demonstrating your commitment to environmental ethics is to befriend a gorilla. No, we don’t mean getting down and dirty Jane Goodall-style. These are modern times, kiddlins–all you need is the Internet.

Didn’t know Ugandan mountain gorillas are a critically endangered species? Well, consider yourself informed; and just how are you going to alleviate that cumbersome burden from your world-weary shoulders? Why, by following those gorillas on Twitter, of course! Lord knows, with only 720 left alive, they need all the social networking they can get.

Go on, then: fill up your friend cart with a silverback or two, and sleep easy knowing that, for now, you’ve made the world a better place. With any luck, there’s a “Friend a Child Soldier” project in the making. Hey, displaced people deserve Facebook friends, too.

Image Source: 9brandon under Creative Commons
Friend a Gorilla [site]
Earlier: Convince Yourself You’re Planning Ahead

Well, apparently, you’re not alone. Some students at MIT have created a “Gaydar” program which, by analyzing the gender and sexual orientation of a person’s friends, seems to be able to fairly accurately predict when men are gay.

The program apparently doesn’t work as well at predicting bisexual men or lesbian women, so make of that what you will.

Image Source: waldopepper under Creative Commons
Project ‘Gaydar’: An MIT experiment raises new questions about online privacy [Boston Globe]

So, let us get this straight. We know that no one else gives a flying f*ck what we drank last night and we still post it up all over the place for all the world to see?

Yeah, we guess that sounds about right, even if the poll doesn’t exactly reek of scientific significance. But does our self-awareness justify our obnoxious attention whoreishness? We say nay. Hey that rhymes! Ohmigod, we’re so clever. We totes have to go tweet this right now.

Image Source: pescatello under Creative Commons
Students Say Social Networking Is All About Themselves [Paper Trail]

Why, through Facebook, of course! In the post, Chu says he’ll “keep you up to date on all the latest developments, as well as share tips that will save you money on your energy bills,” and that he hopes to have “a true dialogue.” If it’s a dialog that’ll save us money, we’re so there.

Plus his info doesn’t reek of editing by a P.R. department, which totally ups his street cred in our (Face)book. His activities include “Cooking, biking, doing crossword puzzles with my wife Jean, and trying to learn to golf.” Oh, and his default is a-freaking-dorable. Aw, Steven Chu, we love you!

Image Source: Center For American Progress Action under Creative Commons
Energy on Facebook [The Briefing Room Blog]
Earlier: Latest Issue of Rolling Stone Features Jonas Brothers, Steven Chu

You heard it here first: Facebook Is Dead.

Whilst we bury our pretty college noses in photos of our red cups friends and 160-character personal tedium status updates, a dark and rapidly growing underworld of baby boomers tugs at the roots of our beloved social network. Be afraid: Since January the number of 35 to 54-year-olds has surpassed the number of 24 to 34-year-olds (which was already more sizeable than our humble slice) to take the biggest FB chunk. Not only that, but they also bring in the mostbank for the company, so we’re guessing they’re here to stay.

The numbers: 35 to 54 take 28.2%, 24 – 34 take 25.2%, 18 – 24 take 25.1%, down from a solid 40.8% in January, and the 17 and under crowd takes 9.8%, down from 13.5% in January. The number of users 55 and over has also frown by 590% since then.

What is the world coming to? Analysts attribute the growing number of old people to (you guessed it) the economy. Seems that in our nation’s desperation, many turned to social networking sites in an attempt to scrounge for jobs. Also, the 2008 presidential election candidates all called serious attention to Facebook as a campaign tool.

Facebook warmly welcomes these geezers and their wallets, which happen to be considerably fatter than ours and hence better call the attention of site advertisers.

And with that, we can safely say that Facebook is so last year. Or at least, what with this massive parental stain, its reign as King of Interweb Cool is over. Excuse us while we tweet the news.

Image Source: micah makes art™ under Creative Commons
Most Facebook users are older, study finds [Chron]

Has this whole University Health Services data security breach thing left you forlorn and stressed? Do you find yourself shaking your fists at the heavens, bitterly cursing the powers that be and wishing there were an outlet where you could more effectively unleash your fury, since merely placing a fraud alert on your credit profile didn’t quite do it for you? Well, look no further than your truest ally, your trustiest of all trusty friends. Look no further than Facebook. People out there feel your pain–and they want you to help them take down the ones responsible. All you have to do is join their group.

*”DEMAND JUSTICE FROM THE ADMINISTRATION” with other members of UC BERKELEY MUST PROTECT MY IDENTITY! Because nothing says “We mean business,” like strategically placed caps lock.

*For those who like their justice a little more tangible, there’s also UC Berkeley Let My SSN Get Stolen–Cancel Finals! Shockingly, this group has almost 10 times the members of the aforementioned one. Keep it up, folks. You’ve got till Thursday. Maybe if you just believe hard enough and get all 160,000 victims to join … Nothing’s impossible, after all.

So, yeah. Way to be on top of current events, Berkeley Facebook community. We derive great comfort from knowing we can always count on you.

“Lightening Up” is a Clog special devoted to link-stacking … er … finding Facebook groups of interest. And by interest, we mean anything that seems amusing to us at the time. Since there are millions upon millions of Facebook groups which surely must amuse someone, this special will NEVER DIE.

Earlier: Recall Mania 2009 Edition

It’s easy to forget that on the Internet, for all its vast anonymity, there is always somebody watching you. Turns out, Website watchdog is a burgeoning and lucrative career. And since that Facebook photo of you at last weekend’s Edward Fortyhands party probably nixed your shot at Secretary of State anyway, this economy says “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” If you’re looking for a cushy post graduation gig, Facebook alone employs a massive squad of “porn cops” whose mission it is to keep their quaint little site wholesome, free of nipples, bong rips and other such unsightly collegiate delights.

Facebook employs 850 geeky 20-somethings at its unfortunately located headquarters across the bay, 150 of whom do nothing but sit back and click through pics flagged as dubious. While the job largely comes down to judgment calls, Facebook does use heuristics like “The Fully Exposed Butt Rule,” “The Crack Rule” and “The Nipple Rule” (no areola, no problem, in case you were wondering). And while depictions of alcohol consumption are usually tolerated, the FB team takes into consideration the age of the subject as well as gratuity of consumption.

As a porn cop, not only do you get to creepily survey the humiliating dregs of complete strangers’ personal lives, you make $50,000 a year for doing it.  Not bad for an entry level position, especially for something you’re basically (admit it) spending your Wednesday nights doing as it is.

Image Source: Laughing Squid under Creative Commons.
Walking the Cyberbeat [Newsweek]

Sometimes, Facebook is a bitch. Let’s sip on some haterade.

JULIAN SMITH – 25 Things I Hate About Facebook [YouTube]
via Laughing Squid

The Clog’s here to help you keep focused on the matter at hand, which has–like all things really worth fighting for–sparked a heated Facebook bitchfest. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, for your consideration, we present the defense …

*$25,000?! Vote NO on the Moghtader Recall: The official Facebook event. Links to all kinds of recall-related stuff, including the Daily Cal’s past editorials on the matter and the ASUC’s online polling site. As expected, the wall posts are ri-freaking-diculous.

*We Support ASUC Senator John Moghtader: The official group behind the official Facebook event. Links, arguments against the recall. Same ol’, same ol’.

And the prosecution (or persecution, depending on how you look at things) …

*Recall John Moghtader: The event’s tagline is “Our senators should not hit us!” There are no officially affiliated groups. As expected, more links and ri-freaking-diculous wall posts, including what is easily the most compelling argument for the recall we’ve seen yet.

President Teddy Roosevelt strangled a Spaniard with his bare hands.
John Moghtader did not.
I cannot have any politician in office that’s never strangled a Spaniard.

True story, Facebook commenter. True. Story.

Finally, there are these guys, who are basically the Auguste Rodins to the recall’s  Dreyfus Affair :

*I don’t care about Moghtader: Points for kind of rhyming “care” and “Moghtader.” Also, points for its group description. And for having no links to further information.

“Lightening Up” is a Clog special devoted to link-stacking … er … finding Facebook groups and events of interest. And by interest, we mean anything that seems amusing to us at the time. Since there are millions upon millions of Facebook groups and events which surely must amuse someone, this special will NEVER DIE.

Earlier: Turn and Facebook the Strange …

We put a lot of trust in Facebook. It knows more about us than most of our parents do: our favorite bands, what we said to our best friend last week, what parties we’re planning to attend and can even show us pictures of how many vodka shots we had over winter break. All of this information is now in the Facebook database to do with as they please, forever.

Facebook recently changed its Terms of Sevice and kinda forgot to tell us ‘book-users, not that you read the original TOS before you hit “create account,” anyway. Basically, this is what you willingly (or unknowingly) agree to:

You hereby grant Facebook an irrevocable, perpetual, non-exclusive, transferable, fully paid, worldwide license (with the right to sublicense) to (a) use, copy, publish, stream, store, retain, publicly perform or display, transmit, scan, reformat, modify, edit, frame, translate, excerpt, adapt, create derivative works and distribute (through multiple tiers), any User Content you… Post on or in connection with the Facebook Service.

If you’re sketched out and planning on immediately deleting your account, don’t even bother because Facebook maintains your information even upon account deletion. That means the picture of you passed out on a couch with a penis drawn on your face could some day be used as the photo of you they show on TV when you go missing or be shown to the public when you’re running for senator.

Think about that the next time you post that video of you and your hallmates awkwardly reenacting the Soulja Boy music video. What happens on Facebook stays on Facebook … forever.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Facebook Chief Executive Mark Zuckerberg tells us the Facebook Terms of Service have reverted to their original wording. You can read his blog post here.

Image Source: william couch under Creative Commons
Facebook’s New Terms Of Service: “We Can Do Anything We Want With Your Content. Forever.” [Consumerist]