After discovering the latest omen of the world’s coming demise, the Clog encourages Berkeley students to put down their books and enjoy their short-lived time on earth.

If you’re the sort of person who relieves stress by burying your head in the sand and pretending everything will be OK, then consider this a spoiler warning and skip to the next paragraph. For those of you ready to accept the truth, here goes nothing: Everything will not be OK. Why? Because next Monday marks the end–of instruction. This also means that next week, we’ll all be irretrievably entrenched in the throes of those torturous tortures, borne of darkness and hellfire–finals. (The horror! The horror!)

Accordingly, here are a few ideas for wholesome use of your last-weekend-of-semi-freedom that won’t leave you with an untimely hangover and undone final papers: read more »

Finals came and went. At this very moment, many of you are making the trek back to your respective homes. Others are already there, basking in the glory of not having to deal with pressing academic responsibilities, vulgar roommates or tree sitters. But before you realize that you need to study for the February LSAT and apply for various internships and jobs (the career website says that now is the best time!)–the Clog would like to remind you that it is called “Winter Break” for a reason.

So sit back, take a load off, and enjoy your time away from the stress and nuttiness that defines our dear university–at least, until the grades come out.

Image Source: Christine Borden

Up through the end of finals, the staffs of the Doe and Moffitt Libraries will be on full alert for expected increases in the smuggling of foodstuffs. Students living in libraries for the last week have had to act surreptitiously to remain well-nourished.

Library staffs have been regularly patrolling these study areas with garbage bags and confiscating everything edible. These patrolmen and women are so confident in their ability to spot even a crumb that they boldly announce their presence in hideous bright lime t-shirts. Apparently, having any sort of fashion sense is not a prerequisite for being a library administrator.
read more »

Finals are over. We can finally have time to take a decent shower and proceed with our normal lives. Some, however, are still acting strangely. Maybe Bear Facts is lagging with grades. Maybe the transition to summer is jarring. Either way, we all need to take a chill pill—wait, is that legal?

Sunday, May 20, 2007
2:27 a.m., Memorial Stadium: Suspicious circumstance regarding owner given advice on controlling an animal.

At two in the morning, this could mean only one thing: werewolves. Arm yourselves with guns and silver bullets, folks.

Monday, May 21, 2007
10:19 p.m., O’Brien Hall: Three students—two males, 21 and 20, and one female, 21—detained for rules violation and scaling building exterior.

Hmm. Were they buildering? They couldn’t possibly be that excited over the recent relase of “Spider-Man 3.”

Tuesday, May 22, 2007
3:21 p.m., Memorial Stadium: A male employee, 73, reports amplified noise, including drums.

The drums again? Let’s hope it’s not some naked weirdo with bongos. We think that already happened.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007
2:45 a.m., Rock Wall: Marijuana activity in vehicle.
8:30 a.m., Shattuck/Channing: Marijuana activity.
12:56 p.m., People’s Park: Marijuana activity.
1:00 p.m., People’s Park: Marijuana activity.
3:35 p.m., The Grove: Marijuana activity

Yes, finals are finally over. We think we’ve … uh … we mean those guys (not us) have made that clear.

PoLo is compiled from the UC Police Department’s online Daily Activity Bulletin.
Earlier: PoLo: While You Were Studying…

Over the course of your Cal career, you’ve probably heard this excuse a few times: Dude, anything goes in Finals Week. It’s sort of our lame Berkeley analog to those “Whatever happens in Vegas…” commercials. The range of questionable finals-related behavior is broad, but we tried our best to rank the good stuff. Feel free to give the Clog any other bright suggestions.

1. Cigs/Coffee/AdderallThis one’s obvious. Around Finals Week, you’re bound to see masses of depressed-looking students huddled in front of FSM. Many are hunched over, with their pencil-calloused hands shaking violently as they chain smoke. If you use your imagination (and the Clog often does), they look like nerdy WWI trench fighters. It’s a sight we’re sure Birgeneau wants no prospective Berkeley student to ever see.
2. Not Showering/ShavingThis is another obvious one. Finals Week is the most likely time for Stoney Burke to point at you and yell, “Hey, it looks like Ted Kaczynski’s come back to campus!”
3. Stress-Induced Food ThieveryIt’s the end of the year. You hate your roommates by now anyway. God won’t judge too harshly if you take their fucking yogurt.
4. Cigs IndoorsCome on, you hate your landlord by now too.
5. Lame One UpmanshipLamefuck No. 1: “Dude, I am so fucked for finals. I have a Bio test and an OChem final in the next three days.”

   Lamefuck No. 2: “Dude, no way. I’m the one who’s fucked for finals. I have six fifteen-page papers, and three finals on the same fucking day.”

   Humanities Student: “Guys, I’m really stoned. Wait, so are you telling me I don’t have class tomorrow?”

6. Not Returning Phone Calls of RelativesYes, your Mom may have brought you into the world and raised you. But she’s not going to know anything about Weber or Hegel. So fuck her.
7. Pretending to Like People in Order to Use ThemAh, the good old study “group.” Laugh at their jokes, and smile a lot. Maybe, just maybe, they won’t notice that your affable demeanor is merely a facade—a facade designed to trick them into teaching what you could have easily learned on your own. Even though they’re saving your academic life, you secretly hate the know-it-alls for doing their due diligence. And the feeling’s probably mutual. Happy studying!

WOMB is a breakdown of thoughts gestating at UC Berkeley as revealed through the Livejournal community.

 We just completed the last full week of classes, and now we only have Monday and Tuesday left before finals creep upon us. Even the Daily Cal is winding down for summer, publishing only on Monday and Thursday.But Berkeley students aren’t ready to wind down just yet. They just need you to shut the fuck up already. Stop having parties and stop having fun. At least that’s what the LJ peeps are saying:bq. I live by a bunch of frats and it has been loud since 5pm. “BRO CHUG CHUG CHUG OHHH PUKE PUKE PUKE!!”In general, UC Berkeley’s just not a happy place right now. We have some issues, mainly with our neighboors and roomates. We understand–having an awful roomie is some sort of sadistic rite of passage in your college years. Or some shit like that. Or like this:bq. I would like to issue some form of a “fuck you, pay me” to my retarded, degenerate, peasant of a roommate. This is a chick who never brushes her teeth/ showers once a week/ has not vacummed/ and has the most disgusting, nasally voice I have ever heard. On top of all of this, she makes racist comments. Today, she had the audacity to call our room “China mountain” or something of the sort, after I heated my lunch in the microwave. She claimed to others that it “smelled to high heaven.”Fellow students offered condolences, some commiserated and one in paticular was upset about the use of “retarded.” Maybe we just all need a little love?That would explain why the post about relationships garnered 69 comments. Heh heh. You get it? The number of the comments? It’s…it’s…All right, we’ll shut the fuck up.UC Berkeley Community [LiveJournal]Earlier: What’s on the Mind of Berkeley: ASUC Politics As Usual