We might as well have included a Yoo pun. Berkeley has apparently decided to go where no self-respecting American city has gone before: the United Nations. Yes, our city council decided it was high time we started complying with international human rights treaties and scrounged up some interns to draft a report on the quick. Oh, don’t act so surprised—hey, if you squint real hard, you can almost see secession! And wouldn’t that be rad …

Embarrassingly, there’s a chance Berkeley may not be in compliance with some treaties regarding civil liberties, racial discrimination, and torture—you know, what with our homelessness, school achievement (K-12, we take it …) and recurring man-of-the-hour, John Yoo. We eagerly anticipate the results.

Image Source: epioles under Creative Commons.
Berkeley first city to report to UN (CHRON)

Yoo can always tell a new school year is nigh when the hordes of protesters start accumulating in the general area of campus. Like the swallows of Capistrano, who return to their nests each year with freakish regularity, activist organizations converge on our fair campus to wave signs and yell about shit. Berkeley protesters are also like swallows in that they seem to frequently land in trees.

Marking the 2009-2010 academic year’s official protesting start were the 50 or so protesters who were present to rage against John Yoo’s first day back on the Berkeley job. Naturally, all the coolest of cool Berkeley organizations that no one is sick of–like Code Pink and World Can’t Wait–were there, doing what they do.

And, of course, it ain’t a party until someone gets arrested. Four protesters who followed Yoo into his lecture were escorted out by UCPD. Ah. Isn’t it nice to be back?

THE POLICE: Montreal, 1983, Every Breath You Take [YouTube]
Protesters Follow Yoo to First Day of Class [Daily Cal]

Yoo all know all about John Yoo, so this clip of a couple of wily Aussie comedians playing a wittle twick on him during a lecture at Chapman University probably doesn’t need much explanation. Have a look for yoo-rself (yeah, we know that was a stretch) and revel in the awkward. Enjoy!

Chasers War on Everything – Torture John Yoo [YouTube]

John Yoo, lucky duck of a man, can now add the lovely ladies of Code Pink to his ever-expanding fan base. Like so many shameless groupies, the avid activists clamored outside his Berkeley residence early Sunday evening, vying desperately for the law professor’s attention. Haven’t they any dignity?

Okay, so that’s not exactly how it went down, which (transparent sarcasm notwithstanding) we’re sure you would have guessed if you’ve heard anything, ever, about Code Pink. The protesters spent two hours in front of Yoo’s home under the surveillance of UC police, bearing signs inscribed with such stern admonishments as “Shame on Yoo.” Which, actually, has not made an appearance as one of our endlessly amusing yoophemisms until now.

Speaking of amusing: Oaks4Peace News Crunchers, in covering this particular exploit, took care to mention as something of a postscript not only Yoo’s address, but that there is “ample street parking, and a public sidewalk across from his house” as well. Fair enough … ? How very thoughtful of them.

Ain’t That A Shame” – Fats Domino [YouTube]
Protest Yoo & Torture [IndyBay]

And we’re not the only ones. San Francisco federal judge Jeffrey White rebuked a bid to dismiss Jose Padilla’s lawsuit against the UC Berkeley law professor. The suit holds that Yoo’s torture memos permitted the extreme abuse Padilla allegedly suffered during his long captivity as a prisoner of war.

The apparent abuse cited includes “extreme sleep and sensory deprivation, exposure to extreme temperatures, forced sitting and standing in painful “stress” positions, prolonged shackling, lack of medical care and threats of being cut with a knife or killed.” Oh, Yoo … yoo just get more and more delightfully likable as time slowly unfolds.

And yet the Justice Department submitted the bid in Yoo’s defense with the assertion that Yoo can’t be sued for his work with the government. Kudos to White for sticking to his guns; his ruling is summed up best in the statement: “Like any other government official, government lawyers are responsible for the foreseeable consequences of their conduct.”

Word.

38 Special ” Caught Up In You” [YouTube]
Judge Refuses To Dismiss Charges Against UC Berkeley’s Yoo [KTVU.com]

We’re about as sick of reporting Yoo news as yoo must be of hearing about Yoo, so we’ll keep this short and sweet.

Our favorite torture-touting law professor might lose his license if a battalion of human rights groups and liberal attorneys (who just filed an ethics complaint with the Pennsylvania bar association) gets its way.

Although apparently he’s now a paid columnist for the Philadelphia Inquirer?

How incredibly convenient.

Can You Feel The Love Tonight (English) [YouTube]
Is the Noose Tightening Around John Yoo? [East Bay Express]
Earlier: Future for Yoo Looking A Little Less Bright

In solidarity with the former vice president, John Yoo defended the so-called “torture memos” he helped pen a few years ago. We guess it’s another attempt to justify never compromising one’s ideas, even in the face of Armageddon (spoiler alert: not a good idea).

In fact, both the former veep and Yoo are starting to sound awfully similar. From Cheney:

What the Obama people are doing in effect is saying, “Well, we don’t need those tough policies that we had,” now that says either they didn’t work, well, which we know is not the case—they did work—they kept us safe for seven years, or that now, somehow, that threat’s gone away.

And Yoo:

“Was it worth it?” he asked, brushing off the reaction. “We haven’t had an attack in more than seven years.”

We suppose all that retrofitting around campus is meant to prevent earthquakes, too.

U Can’t Touch This [Veoh]
Memo lawyer on defense [Chicago Tribune]
John Yoo Defends Waterboarding [EBX]
Earlier: Obama to Aides: Yoo Don’t Own Me

The last we heard, peace had been (um, basically) achieved in the Yoo-niverse. Obama’s tippy-top aide, chief of staff Rahm Emanuel had told everyone that the president wanted to let bygones be bygones. And by “bygones,” we obviously mean “torture memos written under the Bush regime” and by “be bygones,” we obviously mean “go unprosecuted.”

But Tuesday, we found out that this was not the case (zing!), though–to be fair–this wasn’t exactly not not the case, either. Before you get your undies in a bundle telling us that makes literally no sense, let us explain.

What Obama (rightly) observed is that it’s really not his job to decide who gets groped by the long arm of the law. In this country, we have another person who does that, namely, the attorney general.  Who once said this:

“These reckless agitators know that their time is limited,” (Sinanian) said in an e-mail. “They know that the truth will soon be revealed, and that I am the gatekeeper of that torrent of shame and disgrace that will fall upon them in the time of judgment.”

HAH! We’re totally kidding. We just wanted to use that quote again. But we were serious about the prosecution thing actually being up to Attorney General Eric Holder and not President Obama. Anyway, hopefully Obama and his administration can put up more of a Yoo-nited front in the future. And as for Yoo–looks like he’s not quite out of the woods yet, after all.

Leslie Gore- “You Don’t Own Me” Live [YouTube]
Obama Contradicts Aides on Yoo Prosecution [East Bay Express]
Earlier: Obama Administration: Yoo Is in the Clear

So, adding to the ranks of officials who are inexplicably siding with John Yoo, chief of staff Rahm Emanuel said on Sunday that Obama doesn’t think the UC Berkeley law professor—or any other policymaker from the previous administration—should be prosecuted for enabling torture.

It seems that the only remaining way in which Yoo and his cohorts might actually face the music is by means of Spanish Judge Baltasar Garzon, who currently refuses to drop his probe against the Bush-era officials. However, Garzon may not even preside over the case, as a lottery system will determine which of six judges ultimately holds authority over Yoo’s uncertain fate.

Obama has denounced Garzon’s investigation; apparently our new president would rather put the past behind us. Don’t get us wrong, we’re all about change and looking to the future and all that jazz, but the man deprived a prisoner of sleep for 11 DAYS, for cryin’ out loud. Maybe it’s just our inner college student talking, but that’s pretty freaking brutal. There are some crimes that just shouldn’t go unpunished.

You can still be free – Frodo/Sam [YouTube]
John Yoo Really Is Off The Hook [East Bay Express]
Spanish judge keeps Guantanamo probe alive [Reuters]
Earlier: Shot Through The Heart: Justice Department Releases Memos

Yesterday, the Department of Justice released four memos from the Office of Legal Counsel to the CIA, including some authored by John Yoo. Luckily the OLC has withdrawn the opinions expressed in the memos.

Among the Yoophemisms themselves:

An individual placed in a box, even an individual with a fear of insects, would not reasonably feel threatened with severe physical pain or suffering if a caterpillar was placed in the box.

We suppose that’s why phobias aren’t, by definition, reasonable?

For a bunch of related OLC memos, you can visit their Website. And here’s the East Bay Express’s take on the released documents.

Bon Jovi – You give love a bad name [YouTube]
UC professor’s memo OKd harsh CIA methods [Chron]
Department of Justice Releases Four Office of Legal Counsel Opinions [DoJ]
John Yoo: Just Don’t Keep Him Awake For More Than 11 Days [EBX]
Earlier: UC Berkeley Dean Says: We’ll Stand by Yoo