Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory is under attack.

Whodunnit?

Turkeys. We mean the animal, not the country. You know, the thing you eat for Thanksgiving. They’ve finally caught on.

KTVU reports that

Wild turkeys went after Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory technician recently as he rode his Segway to the office.

They chased him and pecked at him.

Oh, the humanity.

Wait a minute. Segway, did you say? That explains it.

We don’t like Segways either.

Even Leah Garchik of the Chron picked up on the story. Her so-called “spy” told her of an email sent to Lawrence employees:

Staff members are told not to feed the birds, and to “stand up to and scare turkeys who attack.”

In addition, an attachment to the e-mail provides tips from the National Wild Turkey Federation, including: “Don’t hesitate to scare or threaten a bold, aggressive turkey with loud noises, swatting with a broom or water sprayed from a hose. A dog on a leash is also an effective deterrent.”

If we were on a Segway, probably doing (what’s the top for those?) about five miles per hour, and we saw a thing like Mister over up yonder, we don’t know if we’d be able to “stand up to and scare turkeys.” We think the turkey would win this battle.

Turkey: 1
Segway: 0

Wild Turkeys Attack Lawrence Berkeley Lab Technician [KTVU]
Leah Garchik [SF Chron]