In a conflict so cutthroat, a facedown so fiery, it makes March Madness look like a BOCA burger (psh, that’s for amateurs), Berkeley faces competitors as veteran as our southern neighbors UCLA and as new and unexpected as University of North Texas. This contest goes beyond basketball and deeper than any card game – even the Magic: The Gathering World Championship. This is: A VEGAN-OFF.
Chancellor Robert Birgeneau isn’t the only one jumping aboard the hybrid bandwagon (which, we imagine, would strongly resemble a Prius). Even if UC Berkeley itself never manages to go full Borg, that certainly doesn’t mean we can’t develop them.
Beetles, that is—cyborg beetles, sponsored by the Pentagon.
We hope our nonverbal attempt at a dramatic pause allowed you sufficient time to recover. Because if you’re wondering when good ol’ tree-sitting, Yoo-hating, cupcake-driving Berkeley went all futuristic spy thriller on our hinies … well, read more »
It boils down to something like, “what does every middle aged women love? George Clooney. If we injected his sweat directly into tofu, then would they vicariously love the tofu too?”
PETA obtained a used towel of Clooney’s from a recent visit to the gym, and wrote Clooney asking to inject his sweat into tofu they would market nationwide.”Your fans would swoon at the idea of eating CloFu,” said PETA president Ingrid E. Newkirk in the letter.
“As a mammal, I’m offended,” Clooney said. We’re not sure what makes less sense – PETA’s proposal, or his response to it.
PETA’s never-ceasing campaign for light and goodness continues this year with its annual competition to find the country’s crop of the most vegetarian-friendly colleges.
Berkeley has a fine tradition to uphold, what with its concentrations of vegetarian restaurants and the limpid-eyed daisy-twirlers who flock to nibble daintily upon baby carrots within them. So vote away! We placed last year too, and the first round competition this time around ain’t nothing we couldn’t steamroll in a sec. (For the record, those’re UC Santa Cruz, the University of Hawaii at Manoa and UCLA. Whose asses, we might add, just got handed to them by the Cal football team. Go bears?)
Hilariously, the Peta2 website observes that
… [it's natural for] a school integral to the protest movements of the ’60s … [to] continue the legacy by standing up to corporate meat mongers. Students’ brains are fueled by Tofu Scramble, Vegan Meatloaf, and Hazelnut Cutlets, among other fabulous foods.
Are you kidding? We still have nightmares about the tofu pizza.