Movies dedicated to mythologizing the hedonistic college lifestyle never show the disgusting drudgery we deal with when leaving a dwelling. For some reason, the Clog decided to list such horrors. Hope your May 31-June 1 transition went nicely.

  1. Ugh, Moving the Fucking FurnitureThis isn’t breaking news by any means, but moving furniture really fucking sucks. Your Ikea item is somehow as sharp as Einstein after Adderall lines and as slippery as Robert Dynes after getting “bad advice.” Your staircase is somehow as steep as the price for Stanford admission and as narrow as the minds of those who actually pay the admission (zing!). After a few hours of trying to navigate this mess without killing yourself, you slowly begin to realize that a desk-drawer crushing of your hand might be a good thing. No more moving, no more worries. Pay the hospital bill, and let your roomies do the rest.
  2. Covering For the BailerIf only there were bounty hunters for that roommate who bails without cleaning communal spaces. There should be a Berkeley ordinance against doing this.

    Bailer: Well, I’m off to bigger and better things. Good luck with the broken tea set and the corpse that somehow got crazy-glued to the back of the fridge.

    You: When we exchange awkward glances in front of Dwinelle five months from now, this will be the reason why, you fucking asshole.

    Bailer: Oh, is that your poker set in the living room by the way? If not, I kind of want it.

  3. Fretting About the DepositIt’s a bit like studying for a Humanities test: True, extra effort will theoretically improve your lot. But honestly, who the fuck knows? If you were smart enough to estimate things like the cost of hookah coal burns, you wouldn’t have played football indoors in the first place. And you wouldn’t have made a drinking game out of it.
  4. The Damned KitchenUnless you lived in the Sorority House for Nuns With OCD (we hear that place is still more fun than living in Foothill, by the way), your kitchen was probably incredibly revolting on move-out day.

    Question: What would happen if Cheeseboard went out of business, they never threw out their merchandise, and the city took a year to clean up the mess?

    Answer: Take a whiff of your kitchen and try not to die.

  5. The New AbodeOh God, more work. Yeah, moving into a new place is exciting. Then the sobering reality sets in: You’ll have to go through the same shit again, next summer.

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