After discovering the latest omen of the world’s coming demise, the Clog encourages Berkeley students to put down their books and enjoy their short-lived time on Earth.

To those of you who are spending this weekend in a state of soporific depression because you’re anywhere but Coachella, thank your lucky stars — you have narrowly avoided “dying from a drug overdose, alcohol poisoning, sex game gone wrong accident or be murdered by a Ecstasy induced wizard.”

Yes, you read that right (grammatical deficiencies and all). The facts can be found here, but be warned, they are terrifying to conceive. Tyson Bowers III has broken down every illusion about the musical festival to its bare-boned reality, which is this:

Coachella is a concert event for neo hippies, naked beer drinkers and drug addicts. Each year the event grows in numbers and so do its cases of rape, murder and cases of teenage runways. No were else are so many drugs taken, orgies performed and victimaztion of America’s young daughters.

Bowers gets pretty graphic on the deets. Apparently the “music” element of the fest is a front designed purely to drown out the screams of rape victims with extraneous Satanic noise. But let’s be fair — the average female attendee is really just asking for trouble, what with “looking for the most shortest part of shorts and the most see through and open top shirt, so she can expose her milk sacs to half brain dead drug addict boys.”

Lord Almighty. And if you think that’s bad, check out the graphs for predictions on this year’s pregnancies and contractions of STDs. Talk about wizardry — whoever’s doing the numbers here clocks in the former at an impressively precise 45,781.

We dodged a bullet, guys. But as for our poor friends down in Palm Springs … may God have mercy on their souls.

Image Source: Rev. Xanatos Satanicos Bombasticos (Clint JCL) under Creative Commons
Coachella is a Festival of Disease and Sin. Your Children Will Most Likely Die. [ChristWire]
Earlier: Humans Making History in the Worst Kind of Way

ClintJCL said:
Apr 17, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Heh :)

Jack Norris said:
Aug 2, 2011 at 12:59 am

You Christian weakling, rape is ALWAYS the rapists fault, and it doesn’t matter if someone is walking down a dark street at 4 a.m. naked drunk and high, nothing forces a rapist to rape therefore it is ALWAYS his fault.

If you want to give kids a lecture on how they dress then fine, if you have kids you can make them follow a dress code.

Maybe a third of all rapists target the 5% of females who have the least clothing, but they’re still rapists and the responsibility is ALL on them not to rape, they’re just like the other two thirds, lots of rapists get away with what they do in the middle east and women there don’t dress like sluts, people get raped in prison wearing ugly jumpsuits.

Kids make mistakes, like dressing improperly. I’ve heard giving them a time out, skipping dinner for them, giving them the belt even, but “they deserve to get raped” for making a mistake? You’re not talking about old fashioned discipline. You’re not talking about responsibility or accountability. You’re talking about some weird kinky sex ****.

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