squidwardCollege is a time of change. A time to figure out who we are and what it is we want out of life. We learn so many new things, about ourselves, about the world, about drinking heavily. It’s probably the time in our lives when we experience the most growth. Specifically, we grow from an eager, motivated freshman to a jaded, lazy senior. It’s a natural trajectory, so don’t be alarmed. Wondering where you fall on the DGAF scale? Check out our analysis below and decide for yourself.


Also known as eager freshman. You’re just so jazzed to be out of high school. You picked your own classes. You don’t have to be up at the ass-crack of dawn anymore. In fact, you can sleep ‘til 11:00 a.m., because all of your classes start after noon. This is unheard of in your little pre-college world. Plus, you can eat whatever you want. Could it get any better? Getting an A never looked so easy.

Level 2:  You take notes on everything, you read everything, you study for everything.

So the novelty of college has worn off, but you’re still feeling strong. You made some friends in lecture, and you’re determined to prove to everyone in the world that you belong here. Sure, it’s kind of hard, but you’re up for the challenge. You even know what you’re talking about in discussion section, and the GSI is kind of impressed by you. You got this. You might not be full throttle, but the engine is running.

Level 3: You’re excited about school, summer went way too long.

Ah, the wonderful prospect of a fresh new school year. Everything’s a clean slate! You’re planning to go to every lecture and take every note. You even bought a pack of new pens. There are more than nine different color varieties. You got a different notebook for each class, because you’re obviously going to fill them all with notes. So maybe it doesn’t always pan out that way, but it’s the thought that counts, right? You came prepared.

Level 4: Just pulled your first all-nighter. Is it time for break yet?

Now you’re a little low on fuel. You barely made it through the first midterm season,  and you just slept through a couple lectures. You haven’t missed any so far, so you can stand to skip a day or two, right? Everyone gets a few cheat days. You were buying so many groceries, but now you’re eating at Chipotle twice a week. You think, it doesn’t matter how it gets done, it’s just that it gets done. You’re doing the best you can.

Level 5: No one’s allowed to talk to you until you’ve had your first cup of coffee.

Now you’re about halfway through the semester (also applicable: halfway through your college career), and you’re getting to that reckless point where you might just go into autopilot, and let go and let God. Sometimes you fall asleep in lecture, and your notes get really squiggly and illegible. Sometimes, you just sit in class with your sunglasses on and don’t say or listen to anything. All those new notebooks your bought for lecture (which have maybe three pages of notes) are now just cup coasters on your nightstand.

Level 6: You did like half the reading and sometimes you go to lecture. You’ll be fine.

Whatever. You’re smart. You go to Berkeley. You don’t need to go to every lecture to get the picture. Sometimes you go when things interest you, or when you actually did the reading, but otherwise, you make your own luck. It’s worked out fine so far, why shouldn’t it work out now? Besides, you really want to see Titanic in 3D. You can do poorly on one midterm. You’ll write your essay in the morning before it’s due. It’s fine.

Level 7: Sorry what? You couldn’t hear anything over the sound of you chugging a beer.

Sometimes you have to just blow off some steam! At this point, the weekends are longer than the weeks. Well, on a mental level. You start thinking more about what you’re eating and drinking later and less about the best way to execute a proficient study guide. You start drinking on Wednesday nights, because Wednesday is like basically Thursday, which is practically Friday, which is the weekend. You also start drinking on Sundays because it’s mandated rest day and you’re not about to prepare for Monday when it’s still the weekend.

Level 8: So you’ll get a C or two.  Maybe a D. You’re willing to accept this.

Listen, life isn’t about getting a 4.0 all the time. You need to live. You think, in five years, what’s going to matter more? That shopping trip where you found the perfect outfit with your best friend, or that A you strove really hard for? Yeah, you still want a degree to show for your smartness, but you don’t need to sacrifice your life away just to get it. Besides, H&M is having a huge sale right now, and it ends today!

Level 9: You literally haven’t been to lecture since the second week of school.

You’ve planned it out perfectly. All you need to do is bullshit one paper and scrape through the final test, and you’ll be free. You were assigned somewhere around fifteen books this semester, but the I.D. section of the final has ten questions, and you only have to answer seven of them. So you’ll just read half the books and you’ll be okay. And by read half the books, you mean you’ll skim through them for a few minutes. And by “them” you mean the Sparknotes for the books and not the books themselves.

Level 10: Definitely calculating whether or not you’ll still pass if you miss your final.

You’re DONE. You’re BEYOND DONE. There’s like one week left of your senior year, and you’re actually verging on insanity. You’re like, “Maybe I’ll just drop out and audition for Cirque du Soleil!” You’re like, “Mark Zuckerberg didn’t finish college, so WHY SHOULD I?” You’re like, “Being homeless doesn’t seem so bad after all!” Hang in there though. Bring a flask to class if you have to. Or don’t go to class and just show up for the final. You’ll make it. Somehow.

Previously: Assess your party meter: a one to ten scale

Image source: The Home of the Scrawny on Blogger


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